Why Are Some People So Mean?

OK.....so you know how people say "Kids can be so cruel!!!" Well, I believe that to be true, but you know whats meaner than kids????? Adults!!! Never in my life have I met so many "mean" and just ugly people....ugly in their ways and actions. I am no one to judge. This is just my opinion. I am not saying I am better than any one else, I just can't comprehend it. Why are people so freakin mean to one another?
Is it so hard to be courteous? Polite? Man, this bugs the hell out of me and makes me a little crazy. maybe I should just learn to just have the "who cares" attitude. Oh Well, I am taking my friend Ashlie's advice and I am going to be "the best me I can be" LOL
I heard that trashy NeNe on the housewives of Atlanta say "Make ya hater's ya mot-ivators" LMFAO! So........I guess that's what I need to do! Wish me luck!! =)

Letter

Dear Stephen,

I just want to say I love you with all of my heart! Yesterday, when I was standing at the foot of your grave...... I thought about the first time you came into my life. How you made me so mad, and how I couldn't stand you. You were taking all my "Leandro time." LOL

But, after all that I thought about all the other things........so many things. I thought about all the memories. When I think of you I think of your facial expressions the most. I think about the look you would give in a debate, or to be convincing, or happy, or aggravated, or laughing so hard your face would turn so red. I think about the time we took that boat out at Little Lake and it started to rain on us, and how we layed there in the boat letting the rain hit us. You steered the boat for cover under a tree and we talked about the beauty all around us. I remember telling you how I love you, and you said "love you too dawg."

I always felt so safe with you. Even when you drove us to New Orleans during a Tropical Storm in the middle of the night. I was terrified, but deep down I knew we would be OK because you would take care of us. Just like all of your friends and loved ones said.......you were always taking care of us!

I think that our relationship was always over shadowed by yours and Leandro's. It's OK though. To me it makes it some what more special I guess.

I guess the reason for this letter to you is to tell you that I am having a hard time. You stole my heart when I wasn't paying attention and I am hurting. And, somewhere under all that dirt I guess is the other parts of it. I have all this new music I found, and I don't have anyone to share it with. You would have loved Elizabeth and The Catapult. I am sure of it. Remember how we decided we would go to NY together this year?!?! Well, they are playing there. That's where they are from.

We moved in with Buita which I know you would have said "MISTAKE!!!!!!!" LOL. It's not that bad. LOL.

Stephen......please help me OK. Look down on me and protect me through many more storms I might be driving myself through in the dead of night. Help me to chose the right ways to go. Please help me to see all the beauty around me like the day in the boat, and remind me often that its OK to get rained on.

The only way I can possibly get through this is to know that you are keeping your promise to love.....and protect me......like you said those some two years ago before that long walk down the isle.

I love you and miss your so much!

-Erin

The Loner.....

So.....its been a little while since my last post. So here is what has been rolling around up stairs. I have been feeling a bit lonely lately. I guess I do it to myself, and all the things surrounding me doesn't really help. I can't help but try to ignore the fact that I am 26 and married living at Leandro's grandmother's house.....driving a shitty car.......owning nothing. Yesterday, I actually made a reference to my storage as my house. I was talking to Leandro's grandmother about something she had in her kitchen and without even thinking I said, "Hey! I have these same ones at my house!.......well my storage I mean." She just looked at me like I was crazy. It was really embarrassing. I just went into our room after that.

All my friends seem really depressed too. I hate all this. I have never taken anti-depressants in my life. I am thinking of it though. Maybe it will help?! Also, I don't know why but I have been extremely jealous and envious of Leandro lately. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like he is too good for me. I feel like I am not pretty enough to be his wife or smart enough etc. I feel like I let myself go........and maybe why it hurts so badly to think about it is because it's kinda true.

OMG!!! I have a What???? Headed for my Where?!!!!

OMG!!!!! This morning I was sitting at my desk, and I felt something crawling on me and it was THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I instantly starting screaming and starting pulling my pants down out of instinct I guess! When my pants where almost all the way down I realized that I was at work and pull them back up! What a way to start a morning! Ugh LOL

Big Decisions!

So many things at once!!! The housing market is currently giving $8,000 rebate on houses, and no one is really buying houses at the moment. It's a buyers market! I am in desperate need of a house! Also, the government is doing the Cash For Clunkers which won't last too much longer either. They are offering $3500 and $4500 on trade ins. I am in desperate need of both, LOL!!! Leandro and I both drive clunkers lol and we are living with his grandmother. Ugh....sucks!

The predicament I am stuck in is that if I take advantage of you clunkers deal that will mess up the chances of getting a nice house. It's hard to get a mortgage right after a big purchase like a car. If I get the house it will be awhile before I can get a newer vehicle. Ugh, its always something with me and vehicles.
The vehicle that I currently drive has an expired inspection sticker from 2008. I would get a new one but it won't pass inspection, and the little expired sticker on it is a lot less noticeable than a bright orange FAILED INSPECTION one. I have been pulled over five times and we have only had the car for maybe 3 months. It needs a new windshield for inspection and the horn has to be fixed. That doesn't work either. It doesn't have air which sucks but that's not new. Neither one of our vehicles have air. We paid almost $500 dollars to rent a car for just five days to go to Destin. How ridiculous. Every time I rent a vehicle I feel as if Enterprise is making a mockery of me and my stupidity to continue to rent from them. UGh.....
Well, I am just going to have to suck it up and control myself, be a grown up! LOL One thing at a time and prioritize. I need a home! So, as unfortunate as it is....it looks as if I am going to miss out on the Crash for Clunkers amazing deal. Maybe one day before I'm dead I will get a new vehicle! LOL
A friend of mine told me something will never forget.
c
"Your vehicle is hot inside with no air, but some people have no car, only a bike. Having a bike, makes it hard to get around, but not as hard as having to walk everywhere in town. Walking around everywhere can be miserable, but think of the many of people who pray every night they were the ones walking around here.......in our country." -Steven Hull <- (Thank You Steven for your many inspiring words! You are such a true and wonderful friend to me! Your words lift me up on some of my darkest days! Love you!!!)

So Many Thoughts!

So, we have only been at Leandro's grandmother's house for 5 days. I am definitely not enjoying myself. I knew it wouldn't last, but I didn't think it would end this quickly either. I am at my Mom's house right now typing this.

She isn't kicking us out or anything. I just don't see this working out. I went to the doctor last week and found out that I have a UTI and a kidney infection. My feet are swollen really bad and overall I just feel like crap. The doctor told me to stay in bed all weekend and see my urologist Monday to make sure my kidney is doing OK.

I knew right away I would have to leave her house because she made the comment "you have your work cut out for you this weekend." She knows I am sick, I guess she doesn't care. My feet are so fat I can't even get them into my shoes, and they hurt so bad. I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, but I know how she is and I knew I wouldn't be able to relax if I stayed there. Leandro has to work this whole weekend, so he wouldn't even be there to help me.

Yesterday, I went and got my hair done. The girl who did my hair got me an ottoman to put my feet on, which was nice. It took her five hours to do my hair. After I left there, I went to my daddy's house to visit and catch up with him. As soon as I got there I sat in his recliner as he talked to me for a few hours. When I left my Dad's I went to my grandparent's house and sat some more in her recliner LOL. I talked to them until 11:00 pm, then I left to go back to Buita's. When I pulled up Leandro was outside with Jacob and Matt. He was wasted. I haven't seen him that drunk in a long time. I didn't really care, after all he doesn't make a habit of it and it was the weekend.

I went inside and fixed me a glass of wine from the bottle I had brought from out vacation. I stayed awake visiting with all those drunk boys until 2 AM. I went to go to bed and Logan was in there passed out drunk on our bed. Matt and Jacob were staying the night too so there wasn't really anywhere for me to sleep, so I decided to go to my mom's house, and here I am. I wasn't mad or anything. I don't like it over there so it was fine by me. Leandro was wasted so I just kissed him bye and said I would be at mom's.

I snuck in here at 2 AM. I slept on her couch. My sister woke up at 3 AM and saw I was there and brought me a blanket and a pillow which was really sweet of her =) Overall, I am glad to be here with my mom. I can't stay over there. Matt told me how she complained to him all day yesterday about me being gone. I am 26 and have been on my own since I was 18. I can't deal with her turning me into her little work slave. I am moving from there. I wish Leandro would talk to me. I haven't hardly even seen him in the five days we have been there. He is either gone with his brother's or cousin's somewhere or at work. I feel like I am alone over there for the most part. Leandro does help clean and stuff, he helps out tremendously in that dept. but I still feel alone. I am miserable. I am going to look for an apt. in Baton Rouge somewhere. Somewhere were I can have my cats! I have been trying to get Leandro alone to tell him these feelings but he is always around people.

I just got off the phone with him. He is at work. I asked him if he was going to Sunday dinner at his parent's house and he said yes. I asked his to skip so me and him could have diner and talk about some things and he said he didn't want to. Wow, that makes me feel worse. So, what am I supposed to do now? I thought this move I was making was a stepping stone to get a house, but now I just feel like an ultimate loser. Married and homeless at 26........wow. How depressing. Leandro told me to tell him if I thought living at Buita's was taking a toll on our marriage and we would move or whatever. I think its starting to but I can't get him alone for five minutes to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it last night and he said no because he was drunk. I know he had to be at work for 9 AM this morning and after he was really wasted he kept on drinking. At that point I asked him to stop and he ignored my request.

I am at a lost......................I have no idea what to do now............ Maybe if I get an apartment Leandro will come with me? I hope?!? He seems so distant from me. Even though its only been a few days I haven't felt this separated from him since we were in high school. Last night it's like I had a flashback.......getting in the car at 2 AM "by I love you, hopefully I will get to see you tomorrow sometime." I hate this =(

Back at Work.....and Recent Events

So......I am back from my vacation in Destin, FL. I am going to do a blog later tonight all about my trip, but for now, I thought I would blog about my first day back at work and recent events. So, to start things off, we are officially moved in with Leandro's grandmother aka (Buita and Keith.) I have to say it has been interesting to say the least. So far so good though. Its been lots of fun! She is a bit crazy....but much fun! I find myself excited for her to get home so I can chat away with her. I don't know how long this will last so I am trying to enjoy it while its there :) My cats appear to be happy there too and have adjusted well to there new roomies Milo and Pheabe (Buita's cats, and pictures of these two coming soon.)

In a way..... it feels sort of nice being back at work. I feel refreshed even though our vacation was a bit hectic at times. I am smiling typing this. I got here at 6:50 AM, the girl I work with came in bright in early at around 7:30 AM I told her hello......and she failed to acknowledge my presence as usual.......Ahh just like old times..... good to be back :) LOL