Such A Lonely Day...........

Well, today feels like such a lonely day to me. I am not real sure why. Last night I had a blast with my friends April and Ashlie. I had a little dinner party where they came over and had a glass of wine and I cooked dinner for us. It was just the three of us.....or actually the four of us because Ms. Korah (April's beautiful little girl) was there too. While we laughed and had dinner Leandro was off playing music with Nathan and his brother's.

The girls left at 10:00...so I cleaned everything up, took a hot bath and called Leandro to tell him he could could home lol. He didn't answer...which I figured probably because he was playing music. So, I went ahead and went to bed, I think he ended up getting home around midnight.

Today when I get off from work I am going to do some reading, go to the gym, take a hot bath, and relax. Leandro doesn't get off until 8 PM and when he gets off of work him, Kyle, and Deanna are going jogging at North park. I was kinda sad they didn't invite me but from what I can gather is that it was Kyle and Leandro and at the last minute they invited her or she invited herself or something I dunno. Maybe I can work in the craft room some........I dunno. I was sort of looking forward to spending sometime with Leandro but it looks like by the time he gets home and eats and showers it will be time for bed again. =( I'm just feeling sort of lonely........... it doesn't help that my buddy is out of town and every time he's gone it makes the work day go by soooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwwww. Seems like me and Steven are the only two making jokes around here....everyone else is always pissed off and aggravated. Ugh......sucks!

Where The Hell is Matt?

I like these videos. For whatever reason when I watch them I think of Stephen. I am missing him especially bad today. I still haven't had any type of counseling since his death. I need to do something. I don't know what "Stage of Grief" I am in. I feel as if I am on the merry-go-round of the "Stages of Grief" at a horrible carnival only to be found in the dead of night's ugly nightmares. I understand that Stephen is dead. Therefore, I don't believe I am in denial, but for whatever reason when I think about never being able to see him again................. my chest starts hurting.......

What it really boils down it is that ignorance is bliss. If I haven't said this a hundred times....... You see, if I believed in Heaven and Hell then it would be much easier for me to cope. If I only believed........ If I believed that Stephen is in Heaven and one day when I die we shall be reunited for eternity...... Sadly, that's not what I believe. I have this constant struggle in my mind. I can't believe that Stephen was for nothing.... I just won't believe that!

So I guess my battle with my own beliefs of spirituality and religion is the reason for my prolonged grief and anxiety. What I would give to to just wake up tomorrow thinking that Stephen died and went to a beautiful kingdom to be with the God he so lovingly worshipped and that one day we will be together having a blast forever.

The truth is that I am somewhere between not believing in Heaven and Hell and believing that Stephen is somewhere listening to me and protecting me...?!?!?!? So where does that leave me......Agnostic some would say lol. It's kinda funny when you think about it.

You see I don't really know what I am. I know I am a deist, but besides that this is all I know..............

I know that when I close my eyes I can see myself at age 8....I can remember the smell of my grandmothers skin....and her lotion. I remember Katy's tiny hands when she was 2,3 and 4. I remember the clothes my mother used to wear on Saturdays. She used to wear a yellow cotton shirt with white lace around the collar. I remember how soft it was to the touch an dhow when I hugged her she smelled like baby powder and coco butter lotion. I can see the many stages of my room, and I realize now, in a way it some what reflected my life at that point in time.

With all these wonderful memories I also remember the the most horrible things........................ I remember my sister crying and running after my Dad's B2200 all the way down the street the day he left my mother. I remember the morning I woke up to my mother's friends passed out on the floor in our living room and quietly stepping over them and beer cans to get out the front door to catch the bus. I remember my mother taking all of my graduation announcement cards off the kitchen table and throwing them all over my room and in my closet because she was drunk and mad...and wanted the table cleared off......... and most recently I am remembering the pain now of loosing my best friend.

I don't know much, but one thing I do know......and one thing I can believe in is that living now....here.... on earth is both Heaven and Hell, everyday. Every breath I take in is both beautiful and amazing, yet hurtful and ugly........ and that right there...... that's all I know

He Saw So Much Color!

In a world thats black and white....Stephen saw so much color in people. I made this picture of him the other day at work! I like it....I think I may frame it!

A New Begining......

Well..... My last blog was quite depressing! I just went back and read it and was like "sheesh gurl!"
I am going to try my very best to start fresh on Monday (tomorrow.) Every year I say I am going to try harder to be a better person and every year I get a little bit better. I am really looking forward to see what 2010 will bring! It has to be better than 2009!!!! I am confident it will be!!!! I know it will be as long as I have great friends and family to support me!!!
I am going to make this year the year I impress myself :)
Wish me luck!!!

Life is so hard!

Well, I figured it was time for another post since it's been so long. Also, this blog is a great place to turn when I have no one else to talk to.

It is now 2010. People say the world will end in 2012. Who knows.....

Times are very hard right now. Leandro and I don't have much money, but neither does a lot of people. Last month I had to take groceries back to Walmart it was so bad. I cried all the way home. I am so depressed. I can't talk to Leandro about it because he gets upset and some what blames himself, and it just makes things worse.

For Christmas this year, he bought me a HP Pavilion Entertainment PC. I love it!!!! but I need to take it back. We can't really afford it, at least not now...maybe another time. I just got back from the grocery store and my total was $127!!!!! I cried all the way home....Leandro is going to be soo angry! I took lots off the list and it was still over $100...but we have no food :(

I try to be resourceful but sometimes there is no other alternative to spending some money. I hate this. I don't know what happened to us..... I don't understand why we are struggling so bad. At Little Lake everything was fine and then Stephen died and now everything is not fine!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! In theory everything should be OK, but it's not. Leandro is having to sit out next semester of school because we can't afford it. Last night his Mom asked when he started school again and he told her he was sitting out. She asked why? He said because he couldn't afford tuition. She asked him if she paid for it then would he go and he said he didn't think he would be able too because he needs to work because we need the money. That was all his idea.....and it's true. I hope she didn't think I asked him to do that. I would never ask him to do that!

I am so heart broken. I feel like such a piece of shit wife. I don't know why. I know I'm not, but I feel like a failure. I am working a second job to help but it's just not enough. I don't know what else I can do except maybe get another one on the nights I am not baby sitting.

Also, this is off subject but something that has been haunting my dreams. All I can think about now is having a baby. What is wrong with me? I know it's so selfish. How am I going to afford a baby when I can't even afford groceries? It's just ..........I am getting older and people keep asking....and......I just can't stop thinking.....how it must feel. I look at Katy holding Timothy and she looks at him a certain way and I always wonder what she is thinking about when she stares at him. I wonder is her heart just melts when she holds him. I know mine does and he's not even mine.