A Close Call.....

So last night....after I got off of work I was with Katy. We were on our way home.... talking about how crazy it was over at Joanie's with being Shelly there. I was exiting there subdivision and pulled into the gas station at the corner of Jefferson and Floynell, because I was on E. I was standing at the pump and pulled out the wad of cash Joanie had given me and began counting it. Katy immediately fussed at me for doing this! In which I should have known better, I threw it back in my purse without even finishing.

Behind me this suspicious looking black male pulled up and began swaying toward me and staring at me. He then straightens up and begins walking towards the gas station entrance. He stops at the door and looks at me. Katy tells me she is scared, and I am too, but I don't let her know that. I bravely walk with my head facing down toward the entrance of the gas station. The man starts walking back....straight to me. I don't make eye contact and keep walking. I go inside and pay "$10 on pump three please." I was so scared I wanted to tell the gas station attendant "can you please watch me back to my car?" but I didn't. I hurried back to my truck because Katy was out there by herself. I opened the door and whispered "Give me your phone" I started pumping gas and I held her phone to my ear and said "Hey Dad.....why you getting off work so late.....yeah.....hey I am right there too.....ohh I see your truck at the red light....pull in...." and the guy got back into his car threw a gun on the seat and drove away quickly. Katy and I were so scared! I confessed how afraid I was after it was over.

I guess Stephen was watching over me. I thought the whole way home silently....... What if I would have gotten shot? Would I have lived? Would it have been different for me afterwards? Would he have only hurt me and left Katy and Timothy alone? I would die for Katy! I guess it just makes you think....

When I got back to Buita's I saw Nick's car there. In fact, I saw Nick first when I walked through the door then Leandro. I confessed to Leandro what had happened. He look worried. He gave me a kiss and said "glad your alive and never stop at that gas station again!" I laughed and walked away.

When I changed into my night clothes I knew Leandro would not be coming to bed with me, because he never does when Nick is there and besides he had just fixed him a drink. I laid in bed with the lights on for a few minutes just in case. After about 30 minutes, I decided to go ahead and get some rest.I set my alarms and turned off the light. I pulled my pillow close to me and hugged it as tight as I could. I don't know why but even still in bed.....I felt really afraid! I hugged it a bit tighter as I drifted off to sleep.

Life....Life is a Song.

So..... It's been a little while since I have posted anything. I thought I would give you (whomever you may be) an update on my life. Everything for the most part has been good. I have been very busy lately between work at UtiliQuest and baby sitting Kaden. I have so many things running through my head. I want to say so many things so please forgive me if this blog is a little random and choppy!

I'll start off with our new place........ We ended up not getting the little farm house, sadly because the people who were supposed to move out never did, and well it just never seemed to work out. So....I did some searching and found us a new place. It's a condo in Watson (Denham Springs.) It's really nice. Leandro saw it for the first time after he signed the lease last week. My first visit to the condo after it was legally ours was literally like 15 minutes after the previous tenants had moved out. The lights were still on and I was able to make this:

When I first got there I closed my eyes in every room....trying to picture my life there and hoping I made the right choice. When Leandro arrived and saw it, he really liked it and said I did a good job. I hope this works out. I need a home again, and so does he.

Today.... Leandro is going to get the permit so we can get the utilities turned on. It's going to cost us $600 just to turn on the utilities. That is going too take every cent from our checks this week so we will have to live off the money I am making at night watching Kaden. In the end it will be worth it because then we will have a home again =) I was just talking to Leandro on the phone about all this. Let me tell you, it's pretty stressful!

Speaking of Kaden....he is doing great with me. He is my little heart! I have made some many observations about him. He is the most grown up four year old I have ever met. He worries like Jamie used to do when she was little, and being around him I see Shelly a hundred times a day when he asks for something....or makes a silly face. I miss being little with Shelly and Jamie and playing all day long in the summers. My heart is sad for Kaden, growing up alone...with no siblings to play with or cousins. Katy is about to give birth to Timothy so hopefully they will grow to be close to one another! The only time Kaden really gets to be around other kids his age is at school. He needs to be socialized....he's not like other kids because he is growing up around adults. I made a play date for him with Ashlie and Chase's son Jackson, who is also four. We met up at Punk Smith park in Walker this past Sunday. It took Kaden almost two hours to warm up to Jackson. They ended up being pretty good pals in the end lol. I promised I would host a sleepover at my new place (if I can ever get moved in there) LOL. The picture posted up top is a picture from our adventures at the park..... He had a blast and I think Jackson did too from what Ashlie is telling me LOL.

Some other things that have been going on......Logan is still living in Denver. I don't know if I mentioned that he had moved there or not. I am missing him now. I think he is doing pretty good there, but that doesn't stop me from missing him! Oh and Tyson isn't doing to good :( They seem to think that he won't live too much longer. It's the same with Abuelo... he seems to be some what OK, but Lynette was talking about his smell the other night, how Abuelo is starting to smell different. That makes me sad :(

I don't know what it is lately I just feel like I am having to re-invent myself. I guess that is what I am trying to do. I keep telling myself "it's OK to miss some things in life." I have been really thinking about my life in great lengths lately. I really really miss Katy being a little girl. I think about that all the time. I used to always smell her head LOL. I remember so much detail about my childhood. I miss staying at my grandparents house with Shelly and Jamie and dancing around in our night clothes while my grandfather played the guitar and my grandmother sang to us. I miss making clubs and paths in the woods with Josh and Nikki. I hate how once something is in the past...it's passed...and we can never re-visit it again except for in our minds and in our hearts.

Brittany closed on her house this week. She is taking off this week to re-paint her new house and move all of her things in. Instead of me working 7-4 I am working 7-5. It sucks because Steven isn't even here for me to play with LOL. It's weird being here pretty much all day by myself, especially since the time change and it now getting sort of dark at 5:00. I walked to the back to turn off the coffee pot and lights and start locking everything up to leave yesterday when I saw Stephen's shirt back there. I sat down in Merril's chair and just smelled it over and over again. It still has his scent. I miss him so much! I know he is watching over me, but that doesn't take the pain away.

I have been feeling some what jealous lately too. I know that's bad. =( I am trying to tell myself "Your time will come don't be jealous" I know this. It's just things like Brittany getting a new house and making fun of me behind my back for not having one. That was mean :( and me watching Kaden and bathing him while Shelly is getting dressed to go out and party constantly pushing him aside saying "go see Aunt Erin." I only wish I had a child begging for my attention. She does and she doesn't even care. Katy is about to have Timothy... I secretly wish it was me who was pregnant instead of her. I know that is such a terrible thing to say....=( All these things make me feel sort of like less of a woman or something. Same goes about my car ..... people are always making fun. It hurts my feelings that I can't take Kaden to the park in either one of my vehicles. People are always making fun of me about this stuff. It makes me feel like less of a woman or incompetent. I wish for children so bad. Every time I miss a period I think "maybe this time....just maybe a miracle this time..." I don't know. I guess I am just too impatient....wanting it all....... a house, a car, a baby. It's not all about what I want . I know Leandro wants to finish school. It's not fair of me to be so selfish. I know this. It hurts him that he can't give me these things and would make him depressed when I would talk about it. So....... I never mention it anymore. I try to push these thoughts out of my head, at least for the time being but they creep up from time to time and I need to get it out. I guess this is the best way because I can get it off my chest and no one has to listen lol. I am probibly the only one who reads this....

I guess in due time..... I need to learn patience. LOL

October always gives me a feeling of Transcendentalism...

So, today is cool outside! Finally!!! ahhhh...... the weather is soo nice. It finally feels like October in the air now. =)
I am in the mood for a steamy cup of coco or coffee...some Jack Johnson...home made chili....a good book...and a comfy scarf! How I love the fall........

Here is a blog I pulled from years ago that I wrote about October....

This is a poem I wrote some time ago..... I like this one, although I don't really consider myself to be some what of a writer, but every Fall season I always come back to this one....
Just to See the Birds Fly
Life is worth living, if but only to see the birds fly
The smell of nature's pure scent of glory
The wind wraps around my body like a blanket of whispers
Sounds surround me
The fascination of this creation
The feeling over powers me-
to where matter is not found
Just the sounds
Listen- Listen-
The weightless feeling my body takes on
My soul is released and is flying with the birds
A feeling of nirvana comes to life
At peace-, at peace-, for life
-Erin-

Kaden Broom

These are two videos I took when I was watching Kaden last night! We had so much fun! He is such an amazing kid!!!
Enjoy!

My Children....

You know....I often think of what my children will look like. I wonder what they will be? I have always dreamed my whole life of having children, I hope one day it will happen for me and Leandro. People say they think I will be a great mom....I hope so! I enjoy being around them so much, not just children but people!
Yesterday I baby sat Kaden, and it was incredible how great he is. He's so smart! I enjoyed myself so much! Joanie and Rocky paid me $40, by the end of the night I felt like I should have paid them! lol. We had so much fun. I miss him today! I have been thinking of him all morning! All the things he said....... I can't get him out of my head! He reminds me of Shelly when she was a little girl. He has her knees. I know that's weird to say, but it's true.
I never thought all those years ago at Leo's Roller Rink eating nachos with Shelly and Brett at one of those tables and those two flirting with each other.....that one day I would be playing with, and feeding, and bathing their child. It's so strange where life can sometimes take you!
I just hope one day...... I will have my own. It's really what I've always wanted ever since I can remember! I am still young I know, but I am getting older. I worry about that too.....if I will have one? With my problems and all....
Well, Katy is due to have Timothy on Nov. 17th, so if something happens....at least I will have him, and even though I won't be his mother....I will love him as if he was my own. My heart feels like its doing cart wheels waiting for him to arrive. I am so excited!

Sequence of Events.....

So, there has been a sequence of events that has led me all the way back to my first instinct. After Stephen passed, my first instinct was to go and talk to Brother Wess. I don't know why..... I was raised Catholic, and I am now Agnostic........so what business do I have with Brother Wess? Why would I immediately have this over-whelming desire to want to speak with him? I don't even know him! He probably doesn't even know who I am!
Well, maybe its coincidence........or maybe Stephen wants me to see him. I don't know but this is how it happened.

Leandro was supposed to get me a Iphone for my birthday on July 22nd but never did.......I really really wanted one, but never seemed to have the money. Then one night I had a great night with Leandro's grandmother in the kitchen drinking wine and cooking and the thought popped into my head to take her out to play BINGO because no one ever takes her anywhere. I took her to BINGO on a rainy night and won $250, which I never win anything. I was so excited, because I won just the amount of money needed for the new Iphone.

Then, I went to meet the director of the Hyatt and thought I would have to use my "winnings" to pay for Katy's shower, which I was prepared to do if necessary. The Director "Al" was extremely nice and said that I could just pay in full on the day of the event. He said this without me even asking. I couldn't believe it!!! I headed to Whole Foods and casually took my time shopping, then I went across the way to ATT. I have a friend that works there named Kenny, but I wasn't sure if he would be working or not. I was so excited about the new phone I didn't even care. I walked in and noticed he was there. That made me smile, but I felt some what embarrassed too because I know I looked so terrible. I have gained a good bit of weight since Stephen's passing and I don't even think I had on make-up. He was there, but with a customer. I caught him right as he was about to leave. He stayed to help me because that's the kind of guy he is. He was extremely nice and helpful, and even though I could tell he was in a tremendous hurry he stayed and didn't make me feel rushed. He leaned over and said in a whisper "How are you doing?" I don't know why but I almost broke down crying. I was in such an excited mood about my new phone and then all the sudden I was nearly in tears. I was so embarrassed!!!

Later, I wrote him a message on facebook telling him thank you for staying to help me. I almost missed him. He was just about to leave. Here is the messages we exchanged on facebook:

Erin Gutierrez September 21 at 10:43am
Kenny, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to help me with my new phone. I know I made you late for something, sorry about that. I was trying not to cry, you probably noticed I was having a rough time talking about everything. I am having a pretty difficult time..... I think I should probably seek professional help pretty soon. I hate to admit I need help, its just I never went through anything quite like this and I am not sure how to deal with it. I thought the funeral would give me some closure, but it just hasn't. Everyday day its there....haunting my thoughts.....Leandro seems to be doing OK....I wouldn't say good but he is OK. I don't know....I just wanted to say thank you for your help, and for your concern. It's nice that someone cares.Lots of Love, Erin =)

Kenny September 22 at 9:14am
You didn't make me late. I was glad to see you. You need to deal with all this soon. If you recognize you need help then you really do. You should consider, I think, going to talk to Pastor Wes. He was Stephen's pastor and mine and without his counsel jami and I wouldn't have made it. He doesn't charge he just cares. You can call the church and make an appointment. I can give you the number. There won't be any pressure to start going to church there or anything. Trust me here. Don't keep going through all this without getting help. It can effect every other part of your life.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 10:05am
My first instinct was to talk to him because I know how much respect Stephen had for him, but I was too scared to. I still am.....but I might go anyway. Thank you again!

Kenny September 22 at 10:47am
Call and talk to Melissa his wife. 664-4027. No reason to be scared. I'm serious. Do it. Now I'm pressuring you. Sorry
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 11:09am
LOL it's OK....what am I supposed to tell her?

Kenny September 22 at 11:59am
Just tell her you want to schedule an appointment. If she asks what for tell her counseling and tell her you were friends with Stephen.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 12:09pm
OK I think I will...thank you

Kenny September 22 at 8:29pm
Did you call?
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 23 at 7:43am
No yet...I am going to do it today!

So......there it is. The story of how I ended up back where I first started. I don't know if its coincidence or Stephen guiding me back to the pastor he loved and respected so very much. I know that Brother Wess was like a father to Stephen and that Brother Wess helped Stephen through many things. May this is what I am supposed to be doing...... I am going to give it a try. I will call today at lunch..Wish me luck!

Whats Happening to me?

So.....it's be good and bad for me lately. I have been putting forth a very strong effort to do more with my friends, and family. It does make me extremly happy to be with the ones I love. It's still rough though. Like this morning.......I was at work looking out the window thinking of my friend Steven Hull and his family and everything they must be going through right now with the passing of his father on Friday night. It kills me to think of his pain.....=(
And this weekend...... I was thinking how strange it is how this world is filled with so many wonderful and beautiful things........but also so many terrible and horrible things. I really think I am starting to lose my mind. I think about Stephen constantly. How much it hurts.....how much I miss him.....I just can't let go......I can't make myself realize that hes gone. I know he is gone.....dead....passed....I know......and I have to tell myself that CONSTANTLY, and its making me a little bit crazy. I really think I am losing it........I am pretty sure I need professional help. I don't know what I should do. I feel like I died with Stephen.
My life is falling completely apart.....I don't really care about anything anymore. I do whatever people tell me to, or what I think people want me to do. I do what I think they want and say what I think they want to hear. The truth is I just don't care anymore. I have no motivation to move on with my career.....to have kids.......to buy a house....to save money......I just don't care. I feel like I am jus waiting around to die. I hate my life, and who I have become.

A weekend with my grandparents..........

I spent this past weekend with my grandparent's Maw and Paw. We started off Friday night where my grandmother made us grill cheese sandwhiches (she makes the very best) LOL. Then we went to BINGO in Denham Springs. We had a good time.
Saturday morning we got up and drove to downtown Baton Rouge to visit the Farmer's Market. It was very nice! I have lots of great pictures from there! Then we walked across the street to the Old Catholic Church to take pictures (will post soon.) We then headed to the Casino for lunch and gambeling (they are true Catholics) LOL!!! After a very fun and tiring day we finally headed back to their house. I took some video on the way back and once we got there.
Enjoy! =)

Leandro's Beer

I was testing out the video feature on my new Iphone 3GS Woo Woo. This is Leandro getting excited about the new beer released by Sierra Neveda called Torpeedo LOL
Enjoy!

Going to bat for Stephen!

So, today is Krystal's Birthday! Every year I am reminding Stephen......(don't forget to call Krystal!) LOL I miss him so much! I have to say that today is really only the second day that I have felt like myself since his passing. I still think of him every single day! I hope I will do that forever. Sometimes when I think of him i get really sad and other times i start laughing and smiling.

Even though he is not physically here for me to tell him this......I just want to say I got his back! I will go to bat for him, and do what I need to do! I miss him so much!

One of the hardest things for me is finding new music. It was something that I seeked constantly. It was like a game between me, Leandro and Stephen. We would all search and search for great talent in music and get together and talk about it over wine and beer. I think this is something I miss the most. Every time I hear a new band or song that I love so much I instantly think of him and all of the sudden I feel extremely anxious because I can't call him up and tell him. I used to look forward to our little get together.

We used to talk about the sound track to our lives....... What music would be on our life soundtracks. I think we all agreed that the entire Abby Road album would be on there lol.

But me and Stephen.......we both said this song.....would be on ours:

It's Mornings Like These......

So......this morning I woke up early thinking I would get a head start on the week. I have to be at work for 7 AM so I was going to leave at about 6:10...thinking I would stop and get some breakfast at McDonald's. As I was getting my things and kissing Leandro goodbye he opened one eye and looked up at me and said "you look purdy today."

I thought this was sweet. He then said, "Why are you leaving so early?" I told him I was going to get myself some breakfast and he said "Want me to cook you some?" I was like "sure!" After he woke up and tried to get some of the sleep from his eyes he didn't look like he had enough "pep" in his step to make me breakfast in time. I said "that's OK baby I will just pick something up....." He gave me the puppy dog eyes and said, "but I'm hungwy too!" LOL

So, nevertheless, I was on my way with Leandro to Denham to get breakfast at McDonald's, then I drove him back to Buita's then I drove back to work to clock in at 4 mins till 7. Hey! at least I wasn't late! I didn't exactly get the extra early start that I wanted but overall it was very nice and sweet and enjoyed it.

Upon clocking in I get a mess. in my inbox telling me Q is down and I spill coffee down my shirt trying to fight off a knat circling my desk. I also remember that the girl who works in the New Orleans office is off today so I have all of her work as well. I take the employee handbook on my desk and use it to cover my coffee so that irritating knat won't take a dip in there. As I am on the phone talking to a disgruntled contractor my elbow hits the book and coffee pours everywhere on the floor. On a normal Tuesday it wouldn't be so bad because the cleaning crew would be here to help me clean it, but they called in sick this morning along with some others so I was on the phone and frantically trying to clean. LOL

What a mess......I wouldn't have it any other way......it's nice to be back! LOL

The Best of Friends!

I am writing this blog about my buddy Steven! I know he reads my blogs. I just wanted to say thank you for being the most wonderful friend to me! Sometimes I just don't know what I would do without you. You treat me and Leandro so well. You truly are my best friend! I hate being at work when your not here. It's like when your best friend didn't come to school because they were sick, it's like the whole day just sucks! LOL
I think our immaturity really gets us into trouble sometimes! LOL I have so much fun with you, and I am so thankful that I know you. I hope we can be the very best of friends for a very very very long time! Love you Steven!!!! Thank you for always being there for me no matter what craziness is going on in my life. You truly are the very definition of a loving caring friend....and for that I am so very thankful! Especially in this trying time in my life.... I can use all the Steven's I can get! Love ya much!!!! xoxoxo
-Erin

The Little Farm House

OK....so I have been having some pretty major problems lately. However, I have a plan and a goal for starters. Leandro and I have been killing ourselves looking for the right house. It has been super stressful, and now that he has started back at school its even harder. So, I have decided that it would be in our best interest if we "slow our roll." I think ultimately I was creating more stress by trying to hurry up and by a house before the $8000 rebate program expired that I forgot I still had so many things I need to work through before I take on too much at one time.
There is a house near my Mother's that will be for rent soon. It's a little farm house with a tree in the back and a little swing like the one pictured. Its super cute, nothing too fancy. It's two bedrooms and 1 and a half bath. The rent would be the same as our apt. at Little Lakes which is nice. Also, there would be no pet deposit and I can have my two cats Bachus and Juno! It looks like we will be moving in sometime in October.
I never once thought in a million years that I would live next to my mother, LOL. Growing up we didn't exactly have the best of relationships. But, this past year or so we have gotten a lot closer. My sister and I have too which is really important to me too! She will be living with my Mom, at least for a little while after the baby is born.
Leandro is gone a lot with work and school and this is a very trying time for me, since I am still trying to cope with the loss of Stephen and all. The loneliness that I experience is so heart breaking. I think it may help, to know that if I am feeling sad or lonely and Leandro is not there to comfort me, then I can walk over to my Mom's house and be with loved ones. My mother has been so very helpful and supportive in all my decisions lately and has loved and stood by me. I am so very thankful!!! Even some of the rather rash decisions I made she was behind me 100% percent and my sister too! I think being near the ones I love may help with my healing process.
We will be able to afford the rent in this little farm house pretty easily and so the financial burden will not be there either, and I think that may help with the stress for now. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a little more time if we feel like we need it.
Do I think we are ready to be home owner's? Yes! Do I think we can afford to be? Yes! Do I think now is the time? No!
It's OK......... I believe we will get much more in return. Leandro loves me and said that he will leave the decision up to me because he knows that I am going through a very difficult time right now.....emotionally. I know he is too, he just has a different way of expressing it, but I do appreciate his support in my decision. I think I need this. I think he needs this. Just to have time to be with one another......to take some of the pain away, and to be close to loved ones. I think I might like that....even if its only a short while. LOL
I am sure it will only be a matter of a week before on the surface I start to regret my decision, but secretly deep down I will know I made the right one. I can already picture myself on the swing outside talking on the phone.....of just gazing at the pond. It is so peaceful here, and still very close to work for the both of us, which is nice.
I am also looking forward to being close to my son to be nephew. He will be my first and Leandro's too. People say "Katy is going to want you to babysit all the time" LOL. Who cares, there is no way Leandro will allow all that, but if I want to see him.........I can take the short pretty hike......and there I am! =)

Why Are Some People So Mean?

OK.....so you know how people say "Kids can be so cruel!!!" Well, I believe that to be true, but you know whats meaner than kids????? Adults!!! Never in my life have I met so many "mean" and just ugly people....ugly in their ways and actions. I am no one to judge. This is just my opinion. I am not saying I am better than any one else, I just can't comprehend it. Why are people so freakin mean to one another?
Is it so hard to be courteous? Polite? Man, this bugs the hell out of me and makes me a little crazy. maybe I should just learn to just have the "who cares" attitude. Oh Well, I am taking my friend Ashlie's advice and I am going to be "the best me I can be" LOL
I heard that trashy NeNe on the housewives of Atlanta say "Make ya hater's ya mot-ivators" LMFAO! So........I guess that's what I need to do! Wish me luck!! =)

Letter

Dear Stephen,

I just want to say I love you with all of my heart! Yesterday, when I was standing at the foot of your grave...... I thought about the first time you came into my life. How you made me so mad, and how I couldn't stand you. You were taking all my "Leandro time." LOL

But, after all that I thought about all the other things........so many things. I thought about all the memories. When I think of you I think of your facial expressions the most. I think about the look you would give in a debate, or to be convincing, or happy, or aggravated, or laughing so hard your face would turn so red. I think about the time we took that boat out at Little Lake and it started to rain on us, and how we layed there in the boat letting the rain hit us. You steered the boat for cover under a tree and we talked about the beauty all around us. I remember telling you how I love you, and you said "love you too dawg."

I always felt so safe with you. Even when you drove us to New Orleans during a Tropical Storm in the middle of the night. I was terrified, but deep down I knew we would be OK because you would take care of us. Just like all of your friends and loved ones said.......you were always taking care of us!

I think that our relationship was always over shadowed by yours and Leandro's. It's OK though. To me it makes it some what more special I guess.

I guess the reason for this letter to you is to tell you that I am having a hard time. You stole my heart when I wasn't paying attention and I am hurting. And, somewhere under all that dirt I guess is the other parts of it. I have all this new music I found, and I don't have anyone to share it with. You would have loved Elizabeth and The Catapult. I am sure of it. Remember how we decided we would go to NY together this year?!?! Well, they are playing there. That's where they are from.

We moved in with Buita which I know you would have said "MISTAKE!!!!!!!" LOL. It's not that bad. LOL.

Stephen......please help me OK. Look down on me and protect me through many more storms I might be driving myself through in the dead of night. Help me to chose the right ways to go. Please help me to see all the beauty around me like the day in the boat, and remind me often that its OK to get rained on.

The only way I can possibly get through this is to know that you are keeping your promise to love.....and protect me......like you said those some two years ago before that long walk down the isle.

I love you and miss your so much!

-Erin

The Loner.....

So.....its been a little while since my last post. So here is what has been rolling around up stairs. I have been feeling a bit lonely lately. I guess I do it to myself, and all the things surrounding me doesn't really help. I can't help but try to ignore the fact that I am 26 and married living at Leandro's grandmother's house.....driving a shitty car.......owning nothing. Yesterday, I actually made a reference to my storage as my house. I was talking to Leandro's grandmother about something she had in her kitchen and without even thinking I said, "Hey! I have these same ones at my house!.......well my storage I mean." She just looked at me like I was crazy. It was really embarrassing. I just went into our room after that.

All my friends seem really depressed too. I hate all this. I have never taken anti-depressants in my life. I am thinking of it though. Maybe it will help?! Also, I don't know why but I have been extremely jealous and envious of Leandro lately. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like he is too good for me. I feel like I am not pretty enough to be his wife or smart enough etc. I feel like I let myself go........and maybe why it hurts so badly to think about it is because it's kinda true.

OMG!!! I have a What???? Headed for my Where?!!!!

OMG!!!!! This morning I was sitting at my desk, and I felt something crawling on me and it was THIS!!!!!!!!!!! I instantly starting screaming and starting pulling my pants down out of instinct I guess! When my pants where almost all the way down I realized that I was at work and pull them back up! What a way to start a morning! Ugh LOL

Big Decisions!

So many things at once!!! The housing market is currently giving $8,000 rebate on houses, and no one is really buying houses at the moment. It's a buyers market! I am in desperate need of a house! Also, the government is doing the Cash For Clunkers which won't last too much longer either. They are offering $3500 and $4500 on trade ins. I am in desperate need of both, LOL!!! Leandro and I both drive clunkers lol and we are living with his grandmother. Ugh....sucks!

The predicament I am stuck in is that if I take advantage of you clunkers deal that will mess up the chances of getting a nice house. It's hard to get a mortgage right after a big purchase like a car. If I get the house it will be awhile before I can get a newer vehicle. Ugh, its always something with me and vehicles.
The vehicle that I currently drive has an expired inspection sticker from 2008. I would get a new one but it won't pass inspection, and the little expired sticker on it is a lot less noticeable than a bright orange FAILED INSPECTION one. I have been pulled over five times and we have only had the car for maybe 3 months. It needs a new windshield for inspection and the horn has to be fixed. That doesn't work either. It doesn't have air which sucks but that's not new. Neither one of our vehicles have air. We paid almost $500 dollars to rent a car for just five days to go to Destin. How ridiculous. Every time I rent a vehicle I feel as if Enterprise is making a mockery of me and my stupidity to continue to rent from them. UGh.....
Well, I am just going to have to suck it up and control myself, be a grown up! LOL One thing at a time and prioritize. I need a home! So, as unfortunate as it is....it looks as if I am going to miss out on the Crash for Clunkers amazing deal. Maybe one day before I'm dead I will get a new vehicle! LOL
A friend of mine told me something will never forget.
c
"Your vehicle is hot inside with no air, but some people have no car, only a bike. Having a bike, makes it hard to get around, but not as hard as having to walk everywhere in town. Walking around everywhere can be miserable, but think of the many of people who pray every night they were the ones walking around here.......in our country." -Steven Hull <- (Thank You Steven for your many inspiring words! You are such a true and wonderful friend to me! Your words lift me up on some of my darkest days! Love you!!!)

So Many Thoughts!

So, we have only been at Leandro's grandmother's house for 5 days. I am definitely not enjoying myself. I knew it wouldn't last, but I didn't think it would end this quickly either. I am at my Mom's house right now typing this.

She isn't kicking us out or anything. I just don't see this working out. I went to the doctor last week and found out that I have a UTI and a kidney infection. My feet are swollen really bad and overall I just feel like crap. The doctor told me to stay in bed all weekend and see my urologist Monday to make sure my kidney is doing OK.

I knew right away I would have to leave her house because she made the comment "you have your work cut out for you this weekend." She knows I am sick, I guess she doesn't care. My feet are so fat I can't even get them into my shoes, and they hurt so bad. I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, but I know how she is and I knew I wouldn't be able to relax if I stayed there. Leandro has to work this whole weekend, so he wouldn't even be there to help me.

Yesterday, I went and got my hair done. The girl who did my hair got me an ottoman to put my feet on, which was nice. It took her five hours to do my hair. After I left there, I went to my daddy's house to visit and catch up with him. As soon as I got there I sat in his recliner as he talked to me for a few hours. When I left my Dad's I went to my grandparent's house and sat some more in her recliner LOL. I talked to them until 11:00 pm, then I left to go back to Buita's. When I pulled up Leandro was outside with Jacob and Matt. He was wasted. I haven't seen him that drunk in a long time. I didn't really care, after all he doesn't make a habit of it and it was the weekend.

I went inside and fixed me a glass of wine from the bottle I had brought from out vacation. I stayed awake visiting with all those drunk boys until 2 AM. I went to go to bed and Logan was in there passed out drunk on our bed. Matt and Jacob were staying the night too so there wasn't really anywhere for me to sleep, so I decided to go to my mom's house, and here I am. I wasn't mad or anything. I don't like it over there so it was fine by me. Leandro was wasted so I just kissed him bye and said I would be at mom's.

I snuck in here at 2 AM. I slept on her couch. My sister woke up at 3 AM and saw I was there and brought me a blanket and a pillow which was really sweet of her =) Overall, I am glad to be here with my mom. I can't stay over there. Matt told me how she complained to him all day yesterday about me being gone. I am 26 and have been on my own since I was 18. I can't deal with her turning me into her little work slave. I am moving from there. I wish Leandro would talk to me. I haven't hardly even seen him in the five days we have been there. He is either gone with his brother's or cousin's somewhere or at work. I feel like I am alone over there for the most part. Leandro does help clean and stuff, he helps out tremendously in that dept. but I still feel alone. I am miserable. I am going to look for an apt. in Baton Rouge somewhere. Somewhere were I can have my cats! I have been trying to get Leandro alone to tell him these feelings but he is always around people.

I just got off the phone with him. He is at work. I asked him if he was going to Sunday dinner at his parent's house and he said yes. I asked his to skip so me and him could have diner and talk about some things and he said he didn't want to. Wow, that makes me feel worse. So, what am I supposed to do now? I thought this move I was making was a stepping stone to get a house, but now I just feel like an ultimate loser. Married and homeless at 26........wow. How depressing. Leandro told me to tell him if I thought living at Buita's was taking a toll on our marriage and we would move or whatever. I think its starting to but I can't get him alone for five minutes to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it last night and he said no because he was drunk. I know he had to be at work for 9 AM this morning and after he was really wasted he kept on drinking. At that point I asked him to stop and he ignored my request.

I am at a lost......................I have no idea what to do now............ Maybe if I get an apartment Leandro will come with me? I hope?!? He seems so distant from me. Even though its only been a few days I haven't felt this separated from him since we were in high school. Last night it's like I had a flashback.......getting in the car at 2 AM "by I love you, hopefully I will get to see you tomorrow sometime." I hate this =(

Back at Work.....and Recent Events

So......I am back from my vacation in Destin, FL. I am going to do a blog later tonight all about my trip, but for now, I thought I would blog about my first day back at work and recent events. So, to start things off, we are officially moved in with Leandro's grandmother aka (Buita and Keith.) I have to say it has been interesting to say the least. So far so good though. Its been lots of fun! She is a bit crazy....but much fun! I find myself excited for her to get home so I can chat away with her. I don't know how long this will last so I am trying to enjoy it while its there :) My cats appear to be happy there too and have adjusted well to there new roomies Milo and Pheabe (Buita's cats, and pictures of these two coming soon.)

In a way..... it feels sort of nice being back at work. I feel refreshed even though our vacation was a bit hectic at times. I am smiling typing this. I got here at 6:50 AM, the girl I work with came in bright in early at around 7:30 AM I told her hello......and she failed to acknowledge my presence as usual.......Ahh just like old times..... good to be back :) LOL

WOO HOO!!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!

OK.....now I am officially starting to get excited about our vacation on Thursday! Normally when I go to the beach all I can think about is beach, beach, beach, beach.....lol. This time I am actually excited about all sorts of things; thrift store shopping, taking photos, finishing my book, drinking, and dancing....LOL I am even excited about the ride there...LOL.

I am going to vacation my ass off LOL!!!!! I am going to pamper the hell out of myself, its going to be sooo much fun! :)

Journals...

So, I did a lot of thinking about this. I have been keeping journals on and off my entire life, and apparently so has Stephen. Krystal said he had journals out the waz-zoo LOL. Which I knew he had journals like me.......we talked about it before. He is one of the only.....and I mean one of the very few people I ever showed my journals to. I showed him all the way back to my first one that I started when I was 8. We talked about how it helped us.....we didn't talk about it too much though because he didn't want to get depressed. He would say "OK lets talk about something else...this is depressing" LOL.

Anyhow, as much as I am enjoying my new blog! LOL I am going to continue to write my journals.....and not let my blog replace it!!! I think about all of his journals. I know Krystal is reading them which makes me happy. I thought a first how I wanted to read them, but then I thought how I am OK with not knowing...........because I don't need a book to tell me how he was or what he thought........I was there! I already know!!!! I love him! I miss him!

Rainy School Days.....

You know, I am just sitting at my desk at work zoning out like I sometimes do when it rains.....I can't help it. I guess seeing that much water fall from the sky puts me elsewhere. I was just thinking about how it felt when I was on the bus and it was one of those rainy days. Its weird how you never think of things like that and then all the sudden something just pops in your head. I remember my bus number was 220......lol. I remember our seats were green leather, and where I used to sit. I remember all the kids on the bus......Sometimes, I think about how me and my sister rode the same bus for a while and would never sit together, except sometimes when it was raining and it was scary I would go and sit with her. I remember holding her hand one time because she was scared. I miss those days! It seems like just yesterday that we were riding that bus. It's hard to believe we are both grown now.......Wow, where did all the time go?

I miss playing in the rain in our flooded yard with Josh and Nikki. One time me and Josh were playing Pete and Pete (the Nickelodeon show) and we were acting like we were archaeologists. We were playing in the biggest mud hole in my yard we could find. There was this hole that we kept sticking out foot in. Josh said "I feel something.....there is something here!!!!!" We were excited, guessing at what it could be..."treasure, a car, armadillo....LOL!!!" I think we were even holding our breath and going under water LOL.

A few days later, after the rain had all dried up I was in my room and I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran outside and heard my Dad kill the lawnmower and start saying "ERIN!!!!!! goddamn it son of a bitch?!?!?!?" I said "yes Daddy?" He said "Who in the hell dig up this pipe, do you know?" We had stuck our foot in that hole so much digging out mud each time that that "thing" that we were feeling with our feet was actually a pipe and my Dad didn't notice and had crashed the lawn mower in the hole and cracked the pipe...LOL. So, of course my response was "Daddy, I have no idea....I swear." He said OK very pissed offly and went and got a shovel and some tools to repair it. LOL To this day....... I still don't think he knows it was us LOL =) So don't tell!!

Jackson's Star World

This is the video I took of Jackson in the tub last night singing the imperial march to Star Wars. LOL!!!

Flash Back!!!!

This was taken not to long after we moved in together at Walnut St........how I miss him!
I found this on one of my old memory cards!!! =) Made me smile...........

Moving Fun and New Beginnings......

So.....we are moving out of our quaint little apartment here at Little Lakes. I am glad to be moving on, but I am going to miss this little place. I am going to miss this place for so many reasons. Lots of great times here.......with Stephen too! I see him everywhere I look here...and that I will miss. But I am taking the best things from here......all the wonderful memories! Here are some pictures of our fun.....

I am aware that this will be a new beginning for us. We are scared!!!! But I feel......I feel, in my heart that we are doing the right thing, and I know that Stephen will be there for us, like he promised me!!!! He will be there watching over us.....protecting us......

How He Love Us!

I MISS YOU STEPHEN!!!!!

My Grandparents!

My grandparents came by my work and left this card on my desk when I was at lunch!!!!! They are so sweet!!!!!!

Missing you now.........

I was just remembering my 21st birthday......seeings how today is my 26th birthday, LOL. I was thinking of Stephen...and how he made my 21st birthday.......whats the word......special LOL!
I remember the day of my 21st birthday being pretty lame..........but then I got the call in the evening sometime, it was around 5:30PM. It was Stephen......he said "HEY!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!" He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing. He said "So are you getting sick drunk tonight or what? LOL." I said I wasn't planning on it........he said "What's a 21st birthday if you don't throw up." LOL
So, he told me and Leandro to meet him at what was Chelsea's in Denham Springs at the time. When I got there I got a margarita, and Stephen said, "what kind of shot do you want?" I was like "No thanks, I don't do shots." He said "whatever...don't be a wuss, you 21 for crying out loud" and he proceeded to order me a shot of Jack Daniels as I kept saying "Wat OMG are you crazy I can't drink that......."
Needless to say............ me, Stephen and Leandro were sitting outside sipping drinks celebrating my drinking rights, until it grew darker and darker around us. I did the shot Stephen got me......well most of it...LOL it was a double shot. I kept on drinking.......LOL. I became drunker than I had ever been for about 30 mins...until I got sick...LOL.
Stephen was there with leandro as they offered to help me while I was sick. When I was done...Stephen said "now your ready o party...want me to order you another drink?" I was like "SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?" LOL
I will never forget that night..................................

And last year..........he left me a voicemail on July 23rd. It was the sweetest voicemail ever. He said "Hey Dawg! I just wanted to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY and let you know that I didn't forget your birthday, in fact I remembered it all day but every time I went to call something came up. I just wanted to let you know Happy Birthday and I am always thinking of ya! Love ya...bye"

I am missing that now......missing him now.......

Path of Good Ridence.......

I was just thinking......I am at my desk dazing off....looking out the window at the rain pouring down. I remember when I was a little girl I used to play in the woods a lot. Me and my friends practically lived in the woods. We had clubs and rooms, and rules, and wars......LOL. I miss that. We used to cut our own paths with hatchets. It was our play house. It didn't matter what we came across......we had no fear! I was just thinking about how no matter how hot, or cold, or wet.......we would play.
Thinking back now, I guess we took advantage of those old woods behind our parents houses. I remember every now and then I would get upset, and I would walk out to our "spots" and just sit there and think. There was this particular tree that I would sometimes climb. I called it "my tree." I would just sit up there real high, and look out at all the houses. I used to could see my dad mowing grass. I would just sit there and watch....and see what people did when I wasn't around. I miss those days.......especially on days like this.
Sometimes it would start raining on me when I was in the woods. There were times where I could find shelter, and other times not so much. I remember looking down from that tree in the rain and realizing how beautiful everything around me looked in the rain, and how everyday I walked the same path to get to those "spots" or that "my tree" and never thought once how beautiful everything was......even the walk there. I was so focused on getting there and too often never stopped to notice.
There was one particular time, perhaps even the first time......when I really noticed it all. I think that is the day I because a transcendentalist, and just didn't know it. I have been a transcendentalist ever since.
As I sit here at my desk on this quiet Friday afternoon I think back......back to a time where life life was different. Simple. I think about how now, if I could go back to those woods that are no longer there, I would do the exact same thing, even though years and years have passed by since my little legs walked that path, and struggled to climb that tree. I would do the exact......same.....thing!

Dissapointed......

I guess since Stephen's passing I just feel so disappointed in everyone....and everything. I am trying so hard to keep the "crazy" at bay if you know what I mean. I am trying not to over react, or push people away. I know its wrong, but sometimes I fantasize about leaving everything and every one.

Just leaving and not coming back.....not looking back...I don't know why I feel this way. I feel so separated and detached from everyone and everything. I hate this! What makes it worse is that after I catch myself thinking this I immediately feel selfish, guilty, greedy, and ugly. Whats going on with me???? Am I mad?

So listen up!!!!

I Love love love love this band!!!!!! I love them so much I am flying to New York to see them in September! I made up my mind!!! Check them out!

Dead Daisys

So, (deep breath) Yesterday was my first visit to Stephen's resting place. This was very difficult for me to do, but I felt like I needed to go. I left work at four o'clock and drove straight there. When I got there, I pulled to the back of the parking lot until I reached the gravel road in the rear of the church that leads to the resting area. It was blocked off by a wooden fence, it appeared to be just a temporary fence. I saw signs that littered the fence for yards and yards down the parking lot that read "Rent a Fence."

There were three workers left at what appeared to be some sort of new construstion, or new addition to the church. They were all sitting on the back of a white pick up truck. There was one taking off his sweaty shirt and the other two were trying to kick the mud of there boots before getting in.

I cried the whole way there, and I didn't want to be approached by anyone, but I was determined to go back to the rest area no matter if I had to jump over, or crawl under a hundred fences in the mud. I didn't care! So, I got out of the car and started making my way towards the wooden fence. I heard one of the workers yell out "Mam its really muddy..." I didn't care. I didn't look back at him, I just ignored him and kept going. I crawled under the wooden fence and as I pulled one leg under and into the cake like mud, my foot sank to the bottom. The mud colored my shoes and jeans brown up to my knees. I didn't care......I just kept walking. When I arrived to the back where all the resting places where I saw it......his own. I opened the gate leading in, and walked towards his spot. I won't go into detail about what it looked like because I feel like that might exploit him in some way. I didn't pay much attention to that anyways. What I did notice was all the floral arrangements were circled around his grave. I immediately fell to my knees at the foot of his grave. At first all I could do was stare......I just kneeled there......staring.......at all the dead daisys. I prayed! I got up pacing back and forth crying....talking....praying....this went on for an hour. The wind blew so hard, but I stayed......the clouds grew dark.....but I stayed........the rain came down.....and I stayed.

After, I was finished........I turned to look back as I was walking out the gate. I looked back at the rain hitting the dirt, and the dirt rolling down the hill.......and said goodbye....goodbye to all the daisys.

Exhausted!!!!!!!

I am so tired! I haven't slept hardly at all since Stephen's accident. I am so tense and on edge all the time. I feel like I am hurting the people I love at times. I hate the way I am feeling. I feel so angry! I feel so very tired and stressed out. I feel like I can't relax. I know that I should be excited about our vacation coming up but I'm just not. It seems like more of a hassle or a chore than a getaway.

We have so many things to do. I have to find a mini storage and start packing this weekend. Leandro wants us moved out by the end of this month. That is super stressful! Also in the mean time I am trying talk to mortgage brokers and realtors to find us a house. Leandro and our land lord have been arguing back and forth too. I am so very tired! I feel like if I could just get some good rest. Just one nights uninterrupted sleep...............with a clear head then I might be OK.

The picture that I chose for this blog I picked because it reminds me of myself when I was a little girl. I lived on a dead end street and me, Josh, and Nikki would sometimes just lay in the street....talking about the universe....... I feel so beat down, and I feel so ugly. I have these huge circles under my eyes that are getting harder and harder to cover. I just feel like if I could just rest.......just for a min. I might regain some sanity.

The Dream....

OK.....so here it is. The Dream. This is the first dream that I have had of Stephen where there was actual conversation between the two of us.
The dream took place at Delia's House. It was at her house and the weather was fall. We were inside. Stephen was there. He looked a little dark complected, I guess from working outside so much. Delia was wearing a long sleeve green shirt. All of Stephen's family and friends where there. There were little kids running around everywhere. It was some sort of party. Delia was talking to everyone about Stephen. She was saying how proud of him she was. She had on the biggest smile. I don't think I have ever seen her smile so big before. Stephen was there laughing and smiling. I kept staring at him. He was having such a great time! He was wearing a khacki colored shirt and brown pants.
Delia said, "there is food in the kitchen if you all want to go and eat." She escorted everyone into the kitchen. I was behind all of his aunts when he grabbed my arm and said "hey just one sec...come see dawg" I said, "OK what's up?" He then gave me the biggest hug and kissed my cheek. I kinda pushed him back and was trying to play it off I said "What was all that about?" I started laughing. he grabbed both of my hands and said "it's OK, I understand...it's OK." All the sudden I started crying uncontrollably. I was crying on his shoulder as he held me. I confessed how I was trying so hard to be strong but I felt so weak. He then said "It's OK I am here for you, I am never leaving you....remember I promised." I said "When will you come back? Why is this happening? He said "I never left you!"I then said "I love you Stephen!" I picked my head up off his shoulders and he was gone.