Outside looking in........

So.....now I feel like a character in a movie rather than a real person. I don't really know how to explain it.... it's just like, I am alive walking, eating, sleeping, working, but it feels so artificial. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I told Leandro about this last night and he compared this to losing a leg. He said "it's like we lost a limb." I don't know if that's how it feels for me.
For me, its like I woke up for the first time. I realized that all the things I cared so much about no longer matter. Its terrifying! My perspective on life has changed completely! I feel like I am starting from scratch and everything I thought I knew about this life is wrong. I feel like this is not right. I don't know what I am supposed to do now? I am so confused. This without question has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I am so sad.....and, I know its not healthy but I must confess; that every night when I am laying in bed I clasp my hands together so tightly crying to myself praying and wishing that when I wake up tomorrow he will call me, or when I get to work the coffee he made me will be waiting on my desk, impatiently getting colder by every min I delay in arriving. I am tortured by everyday living with this lump in my throat...choking on my own air trying to keep it together. All I can do is pray........Its like its too hard for me to comprehend it all. I need him so badly in my life. Sometimes I daze off at work just thinking........thinking of him outside looking in.