WOO HOO!!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!

OK.....now I am officially starting to get excited about our vacation on Thursday! Normally when I go to the beach all I can think about is beach, beach, beach, beach.....lol. This time I am actually excited about all sorts of things; thrift store shopping, taking photos, finishing my book, drinking, and dancing....LOL I am even excited about the ride there...LOL.

I am going to vacation my ass off LOL!!!!! I am going to pamper the hell out of myself, its going to be sooo much fun! :)

Journals...

So, I did a lot of thinking about this. I have been keeping journals on and off my entire life, and apparently so has Stephen. Krystal said he had journals out the waz-zoo LOL. Which I knew he had journals like me.......we talked about it before. He is one of the only.....and I mean one of the very few people I ever showed my journals to. I showed him all the way back to my first one that I started when I was 8. We talked about how it helped us.....we didn't talk about it too much though because he didn't want to get depressed. He would say "OK lets talk about something else...this is depressing" LOL.

Anyhow, as much as I am enjoying my new blog! LOL I am going to continue to write my journals.....and not let my blog replace it!!! I think about all of his journals. I know Krystal is reading them which makes me happy. I thought a first how I wanted to read them, but then I thought how I am OK with not knowing...........because I don't need a book to tell me how he was or what he thought........I was there! I already know!!!! I love him! I miss him!

Rainy School Days.....

You know, I am just sitting at my desk at work zoning out like I sometimes do when it rains.....I can't help it. I guess seeing that much water fall from the sky puts me elsewhere. I was just thinking about how it felt when I was on the bus and it was one of those rainy days. Its weird how you never think of things like that and then all the sudden something just pops in your head. I remember my bus number was 220......lol. I remember our seats were green leather, and where I used to sit. I remember all the kids on the bus......Sometimes, I think about how me and my sister rode the same bus for a while and would never sit together, except sometimes when it was raining and it was scary I would go and sit with her. I remember holding her hand one time because she was scared. I miss those days! It seems like just yesterday that we were riding that bus. It's hard to believe we are both grown now.......Wow, where did all the time go?

I miss playing in the rain in our flooded yard with Josh and Nikki. One time me and Josh were playing Pete and Pete (the Nickelodeon show) and we were acting like we were archaeologists. We were playing in the biggest mud hole in my yard we could find. There was this hole that we kept sticking out foot in. Josh said "I feel something.....there is something here!!!!!" We were excited, guessing at what it could be..."treasure, a car, armadillo....LOL!!!" I think we were even holding our breath and going under water LOL.

A few days later, after the rain had all dried up I was in my room and I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran outside and heard my Dad kill the lawnmower and start saying "ERIN!!!!!! goddamn it son of a bitch?!?!?!?" I said "yes Daddy?" He said "Who in the hell dig up this pipe, do you know?" We had stuck our foot in that hole so much digging out mud each time that that "thing" that we were feeling with our feet was actually a pipe and my Dad didn't notice and had crashed the lawn mower in the hole and cracked the pipe...LOL. So, of course my response was "Daddy, I have no idea....I swear." He said OK very pissed offly and went and got a shovel and some tools to repair it. LOL To this day....... I still don't think he knows it was us LOL =) So don't tell!!

Jackson's Star World

This is the video I took of Jackson in the tub last night singing the imperial march to Star Wars. LOL!!!

Flash Back!!!!

This was taken not to long after we moved in together at Walnut St........how I miss him!
I found this on one of my old memory cards!!! =) Made me smile...........

Moving Fun and New Beginnings......

So.....we are moving out of our quaint little apartment here at Little Lakes. I am glad to be moving on, but I am going to miss this little place. I am going to miss this place for so many reasons. Lots of great times here.......with Stephen too! I see him everywhere I look here...and that I will miss. But I am taking the best things from here......all the wonderful memories! Here are some pictures of our fun.....

I am aware that this will be a new beginning for us. We are scared!!!! But I feel......I feel, in my heart that we are doing the right thing, and I know that Stephen will be there for us, like he promised me!!!! He will be there watching over us.....protecting us......

How He Love Us!

I MISS YOU STEPHEN!!!!!

My Grandparents!

My grandparents came by my work and left this card on my desk when I was at lunch!!!!! They are so sweet!!!!!!

Missing you now.........

I was just remembering my 21st birthday......seeings how today is my 26th birthday, LOL. I was thinking of Stephen...and how he made my 21st birthday.......whats the word......special LOL!
I remember the day of my 21st birthday being pretty lame..........but then I got the call in the evening sometime, it was around 5:30PM. It was Stephen......he said "HEY!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!" He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing. He said "So are you getting sick drunk tonight or what? LOL." I said I wasn't planning on it........he said "What's a 21st birthday if you don't throw up." LOL
So, he told me and Leandro to meet him at what was Chelsea's in Denham Springs at the time. When I got there I got a margarita, and Stephen said, "what kind of shot do you want?" I was like "No thanks, I don't do shots." He said "whatever...don't be a wuss, you 21 for crying out loud" and he proceeded to order me a shot of Jack Daniels as I kept saying "Wat OMG are you crazy I can't drink that......."
Needless to say............ me, Stephen and Leandro were sitting outside sipping drinks celebrating my drinking rights, until it grew darker and darker around us. I did the shot Stephen got me......well most of it...LOL it was a double shot. I kept on drinking.......LOL. I became drunker than I had ever been for about 30 mins...until I got sick...LOL.
Stephen was there with leandro as they offered to help me while I was sick. When I was done...Stephen said "now your ready o party...want me to order you another drink?" I was like "SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?" LOL
I will never forget that night..................................

And last year..........he left me a voicemail on July 23rd. It was the sweetest voicemail ever. He said "Hey Dawg! I just wanted to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY and let you know that I didn't forget your birthday, in fact I remembered it all day but every time I went to call something came up. I just wanted to let you know Happy Birthday and I am always thinking of ya! Love ya...bye"

I am missing that now......missing him now.......

Path of Good Ridence.......

I was just thinking......I am at my desk dazing off....looking out the window at the rain pouring down. I remember when I was a little girl I used to play in the woods a lot. Me and my friends practically lived in the woods. We had clubs and rooms, and rules, and wars......LOL. I miss that. We used to cut our own paths with hatchets. It was our play house. It didn't matter what we came across......we had no fear! I was just thinking about how no matter how hot, or cold, or wet.......we would play.
Thinking back now, I guess we took advantage of those old woods behind our parents houses. I remember every now and then I would get upset, and I would walk out to our "spots" and just sit there and think. There was this particular tree that I would sometimes climb. I called it "my tree." I would just sit up there real high, and look out at all the houses. I used to could see my dad mowing grass. I would just sit there and watch....and see what people did when I wasn't around. I miss those days.......especially on days like this.
Sometimes it would start raining on me when I was in the woods. There were times where I could find shelter, and other times not so much. I remember looking down from that tree in the rain and realizing how beautiful everything around me looked in the rain, and how everyday I walked the same path to get to those "spots" or that "my tree" and never thought once how beautiful everything was......even the walk there. I was so focused on getting there and too often never stopped to notice.
There was one particular time, perhaps even the first time......when I really noticed it all. I think that is the day I because a transcendentalist, and just didn't know it. I have been a transcendentalist ever since.
As I sit here at my desk on this quiet Friday afternoon I think back......back to a time where life life was different. Simple. I think about how now, if I could go back to those woods that are no longer there, I would do the exact same thing, even though years and years have passed by since my little legs walked that path, and struggled to climb that tree. I would do the exact......same.....thing!

Dissapointed......

I guess since Stephen's passing I just feel so disappointed in everyone....and everything. I am trying so hard to keep the "crazy" at bay if you know what I mean. I am trying not to over react, or push people away. I know its wrong, but sometimes I fantasize about leaving everything and every one.

Just leaving and not coming back.....not looking back...I don't know why I feel this way. I feel so separated and detached from everyone and everything. I hate this! What makes it worse is that after I catch myself thinking this I immediately feel selfish, guilty, greedy, and ugly. Whats going on with me???? Am I mad?

So listen up!!!!

I Love love love love this band!!!!!! I love them so much I am flying to New York to see them in September! I made up my mind!!! Check them out!

Dead Daisys

So, (deep breath) Yesterday was my first visit to Stephen's resting place. This was very difficult for me to do, but I felt like I needed to go. I left work at four o'clock and drove straight there. When I got there, I pulled to the back of the parking lot until I reached the gravel road in the rear of the church that leads to the resting area. It was blocked off by a wooden fence, it appeared to be just a temporary fence. I saw signs that littered the fence for yards and yards down the parking lot that read "Rent a Fence."

There were three workers left at what appeared to be some sort of new construstion, or new addition to the church. They were all sitting on the back of a white pick up truck. There was one taking off his sweaty shirt and the other two were trying to kick the mud of there boots before getting in.

I cried the whole way there, and I didn't want to be approached by anyone, but I was determined to go back to the rest area no matter if I had to jump over, or crawl under a hundred fences in the mud. I didn't care! So, I got out of the car and started making my way towards the wooden fence. I heard one of the workers yell out "Mam its really muddy..." I didn't care. I didn't look back at him, I just ignored him and kept going. I crawled under the wooden fence and as I pulled one leg under and into the cake like mud, my foot sank to the bottom. The mud colored my shoes and jeans brown up to my knees. I didn't care......I just kept walking. When I arrived to the back where all the resting places where I saw it......his own. I opened the gate leading in, and walked towards his spot. I won't go into detail about what it looked like because I feel like that might exploit him in some way. I didn't pay much attention to that anyways. What I did notice was all the floral arrangements were circled around his grave. I immediately fell to my knees at the foot of his grave. At first all I could do was stare......I just kneeled there......staring.......at all the dead daisys. I prayed! I got up pacing back and forth crying....talking....praying....this went on for an hour. The wind blew so hard, but I stayed......the clouds grew dark.....but I stayed........the rain came down.....and I stayed.

After, I was finished........I turned to look back as I was walking out the gate. I looked back at the rain hitting the dirt, and the dirt rolling down the hill.......and said goodbye....goodbye to all the daisys.

Exhausted!!!!!!!

I am so tired! I haven't slept hardly at all since Stephen's accident. I am so tense and on edge all the time. I feel like I am hurting the people I love at times. I hate the way I am feeling. I feel so angry! I feel so very tired and stressed out. I feel like I can't relax. I know that I should be excited about our vacation coming up but I'm just not. It seems like more of a hassle or a chore than a getaway.

We have so many things to do. I have to find a mini storage and start packing this weekend. Leandro wants us moved out by the end of this month. That is super stressful! Also in the mean time I am trying talk to mortgage brokers and realtors to find us a house. Leandro and our land lord have been arguing back and forth too. I am so very tired! I feel like if I could just get some good rest. Just one nights uninterrupted sleep...............with a clear head then I might be OK.

The picture that I chose for this blog I picked because it reminds me of myself when I was a little girl. I lived on a dead end street and me, Josh, and Nikki would sometimes just lay in the street....talking about the universe....... I feel so beat down, and I feel so ugly. I have these huge circles under my eyes that are getting harder and harder to cover. I just feel like if I could just rest.......just for a min. I might regain some sanity.

The Dream....

OK.....so here it is. The Dream. This is the first dream that I have had of Stephen where there was actual conversation between the two of us.
The dream took place at Delia's House. It was at her house and the weather was fall. We were inside. Stephen was there. He looked a little dark complected, I guess from working outside so much. Delia was wearing a long sleeve green shirt. All of Stephen's family and friends where there. There were little kids running around everywhere. It was some sort of party. Delia was talking to everyone about Stephen. She was saying how proud of him she was. She had on the biggest smile. I don't think I have ever seen her smile so big before. Stephen was there laughing and smiling. I kept staring at him. He was having such a great time! He was wearing a khacki colored shirt and brown pants.
Delia said, "there is food in the kitchen if you all want to go and eat." She escorted everyone into the kitchen. I was behind all of his aunts when he grabbed my arm and said "hey just one sec...come see dawg" I said, "OK what's up?" He then gave me the biggest hug and kissed my cheek. I kinda pushed him back and was trying to play it off I said "What was all that about?" I started laughing. he grabbed both of my hands and said "it's OK, I understand...it's OK." All the sudden I started crying uncontrollably. I was crying on his shoulder as he held me. I confessed how I was trying so hard to be strong but I felt so weak. He then said "It's OK I am here for you, I am never leaving you....remember I promised." I said "When will you come back? Why is this happening? He said "I never left you!"I then said "I love you Stephen!" I picked my head up off his shoulders and he was gone.

Hallelujah.....

You know........me, Stephen, and Leandro knew all the words to this song. Leandro and Stephen even learned how to play it on the guitar. Sometimes they would play and I would sing or we would all sing together. That's probably one of the things I miss the most........singing.....We all sang together...

Today is one of those hard days........one of those days when I just break down. I heart is aching for him......I am longing for him.........Keep waiting for him to call me.......

I had a dream about him last night! It made me feel good and bad. This is the first dream that I have had since his death where there was actual conversation between the two of us. All the other dreams I dreamt were just old memories.....all sort of collaged together. This dream gave me breath......but then took it away. It gave me relief and understanding, but then sent me in panic without understanding.

I will post the dream by itself.........but before I get to the dream I need to talk about how I feel right now. I decided that today I am going to visit his resting place. I don't know if this will help me or make it worse, but I have to try something. This will be the first time since the day we layed him there. It's so hard to even type that. I find myself having a hard time even saying that. I keep waiting for it to be different.......what a horrible nightmare. It just doesn't feel right. I am trying to make it right, and I can't. I miss him so badly......my god it hurts me so very badly!!!

A Saint's Day...A Sinner's Night

So yesterday day was quite and interesting day for me I must say. My day started off by sleeping until noon which I NEVER do! So, needless to say I felt like a lazy piece of shit upon waking up, LOL. After that I just kind of moped around feeling depressed. Leandro made me coffee and tried to make me feel better. Then he went to his grandmother's house to drop off the medicine he picked up for her on Friday and to discuss us moving in with her. He was back with in an hour or so and said, "OK we are good to go....we need to start packing and give our thirty day notice."

I feel like a loser being married and about to be 26 moving in with his grandmother, but then again it will help us a lot and it's only temporary. After we discussed that for a few mins. we were starving and Lenadro wanted to go back and look at the Lakes at Gray's Creek and see if we could get a little more information about the houses there. So, we went to Arby's grabbed something real quick and then headed to the Lakes...

When we got there, we noticed that one of the homes was an "Open House" and had a realtor on site that gave us loads of information and showed us several models. She also gave us lots of information on financing. We looked probably at about 12 different homes there. The one I absolutely fell in-love with from the very beginning was the "Elm" model. It is 2054 square feet, and is priced at 153,900. I LOVE IT! Leandro fell in love with it too so I think we are going to try our very best to have this one built!!!

OK, enough about the house......we spent literally hours...LOL over at the Lakes at Gray's Creek yesterday. After we got back in the car to leave Leandro said "ugh baby? I don't think we are going to be able to make the laser light show?" I didn't even realize it was already 7:00pm, and the show started at 8. I told Leandro we would just postpone it until next Sat. night since they will be doing it then too.

When we arrived back at the apt. Leandro talked to me about making plans to go see the UFC 100 last night at his uncles house in Central with all the boys. I don't mind UFC, in fact I like it, but last night I didn't feel up to any sort of gathering or party...I told Leandro to go without me. He asked me what I was going got do, and I said I didn't know.

I was in a strange mood. I don't know what had gotten into me. But last night, out of the blue around 9 pm I decided I was going to go to the Casino. So I went to the bank, pulled out some money and headed to the Belle of Baton Rouge. I was only there for about an hour, and I didn't win anything LOL. In fact as I was walking back to my car I believe I sent Leandro a text mess. saying something like "Next time I am depressed and am looking for some fun tell me to buy a vibrator, because it will last longer." After I left the Casino I wasn't quite ready to go home but I didn't know what to do because it was almost midnight. I was heading back home and I accidentally got on the interstate going the wrong way. I didn't care. I was going over the bridge and I saw the Plaqumine exit. I decided to go to the porn store and get whippits....LOL. I figured I might as well I was pretty much there anyways.

OMG, I hate going in this store because the people that work there are overly friendly and that fucking weirds me out. As soon as I got there it was packed. I remember thinking....."Is it like two for one butt plug Sat.....WTF?!?!? LOL" I walked up to there glass case...(and yes they have one LOL) and waited patiently for them to help me. The short haired dyke behind the counter was busy showing to heavy black girls how to use this dildo with this little thing coming off of it. I was trying not to laugh. The dyke turned it on and it started glowing and moving so fast and she said "mmmmm this looks like fun.....fuck I even want one.....come back and tell me how it feels!" I was thinking to myself "ARE YOU SERIOUS.....I know she didn't just say that.....gross!" the other person working behind the counter was this guy with a swollen face and a huge black eye. He came in later because when i first got there he was sitting by the door smoking a cigarette. He walks back behind the counter and just starts talking to me....he said "Look at my eye, it looks bad don't it....I got snuck." I just nodded my head when I really wanted to say "I don't give a shit, give me the chargers and let me get outta here LOL." I didn't say anything though.

After the dyke stopped flirting with the black girls, I told myself I was going to make it short and simple. I didn't want to be there all night. I said "One case of 35 chargers and 3 balloons." It was $40 and I got the hell out of there. As the dyke handed me my bag she winked at me and said "Don't do it in the parking lot hunny" I just smiled and bailed.

The Adult Video store is right next to a McDonalds so I went through the drive through and got something to eat and got back on the interstate and headed home. I called Leandro to tell him I was almost home and I had picked up some whippits. He said "Wait for me, I will be home shortly." I got home at around 1 AM. He still wasn't there and I know how he loves to talk so I thought "I didn't drive all the way to Port Allen to just sit here." So, I put on Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and started doing whippits. I sat there dazed........ thinking........how badly I missed Stephen. Leandro finally got home at almost 2:30. I was tired and I was going to bed when he said "Just do one more with me." I did and then went to bed.

What an awkward night........

Hold the fish eggs and eel juice please........

Today I got to have lunch with my new friend Jennifer! I had so much fun! We ate sushi at Sukura in Denham Springs, right by my work. I had such a blast telling funny stories. This is turning out to be such a great friendship. I only wish I met her sooner! I feel like I have so much I want to say, then again I feel like that a lot....I never shut up...LOL

Into the movies............

You know, last night me and Leandro were talking about going to see Transformers 2 tonight. I think we are. When Leandro mentioned it to me, we both looked at each other and I think we had the same thought at the exact same moment about Stephen.

Stephen really enjoyed movies. In fact, him and Leandro had made plans to see Transformers together. =( Sadly, Leandro is stuck going with me.......Stephen used to fight me like a child saying "Please can Leandro come....but it's dude time....we need dude time...LOL." I would always give in....he had a way with persuading people. One of the things that I love about him so much. I miss him so terribly. It still hurts so badly.......

Another thing Leandro and I discussed last night was the the first two movies we watched since Stephen has been gone.....and how they reminded us of him. We watched Pineapple Express......which was funny, but not as funny.... if you know what I mean. Watching movies with Stephen was such a treat and to not have him there made my stomach turn sour. The second movie we went and saw in the theatre with some of his cousins, it was The Hangover. Again, it was hilarious.......but afterwards all we could do was stand around and talk about how one of the main characters had "Stephen hair."

I miss him..................god do I miss him..................

A Much Needed Vacation!

I was just thinking of me and Leandro's vacation to Destin, FL coming up at the end of this month. I am really looking forward to this trip, and I just realized it...LOL.

With everything going on recently I almost forgot how much I love anything....LOL. I do love the beach so much, and I am really looking forward to he white sandy beaches in Destin. I don't care about anything.....money.....work.....cars.....none of that stuff.

I can just close my eyes and picture myself on the beach listening to the sounds of the seagulls, and the water coming in and out, and of course there are always little kids feeding the seagulls Cheetos and the mom fussing at them....LOL. I get so lost when I am lying there.......thinking.....I try to drift off in a sleep, but am too worried about Leandro swimming too far out.....ahhh....What wonderful memories! This vacation will be much needed =)

Hey Hey My My......

Hey hey, my my
Rock and roll can never die
There's more to the picture
Than meets the eye.
Hey hey, my my.

Out of the blue and into the black
You pay for this,but they give you that
And once you're gone,
you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black.

The king is gone, but he's not forgotten
Is this the story of Johnny Rotten?
It's better to burn out'
cause rust never sleeps
The king is gone, but he's not forgotten.

The Wall & Dark Side of the Moon

Good Morning! So, this morning I was thinking of all the things me and Stephen were going to do together. I am thinking of making a list and do them. One of the things that we actually attempted to do together, but it didn't work out was to go to the Planetarium in Baton Rouge and see the laser light show that is featured to the music of The Wall, and I believe they also have Dark Side of the Moon.

One time, me, Stephen and Leandro got together to go and see it, and we were like 2 mins. too late and they wouldn't let us in. I know Stephen had seen it several times and told us how amazing it was. I think I am going to try and catch the next one, I really regret missing that show. He talked about it so much.....how amazing it was.......how much he wanted us to experience it and enjoy it with him. I miss that....

Well don't I feel like a dumbass......

Good Morning! This morning when I got to work I had this FWD e-mail sitting in my inbox. My Dad had forwarded it to me, the title said FW: George Carlin on life. I guess he sent it to me, because I love George Carlin. He has always been somewhat of a role model to me, and when he passed last year I was heart broken. This is what the e-mail stated:

This is a master piece. If you have not read it, take the time to read it now. If you have read it, take time to read it again!

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70s and 80s - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.
A Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people......Who cares?

George Carlin

_________________________________________________________________

OK, I am pretty familiar with his work, having read most of his books and what not. I knew right away this was not his work. So, I looked it up on snopes.com (my valid source of deciphering bullshit...LOL.) Of course, I was correct.....this is without a doubt not his work. They had the original essay on there and so I read it:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp

I found it to be pretty inspirational. I started to think who cares who wrote it, this is really good.......but then I scroll down to read about it and they say how this guy was a pastor at a church called Overlake Christian Church and how he was accused of 17 counts of sexual assault.....WTF....?!?!? Now I just feel like I took candy from a stranger or something?!?!?

Outside looking in........

So.....now I feel like a character in a movie rather than a real person. I don't really know how to explain it.... it's just like, I am alive walking, eating, sleeping, working, but it feels so artificial. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I told Leandro about this last night and he compared this to losing a leg. He said "it's like we lost a limb." I don't know if that's how it feels for me.
For me, its like I woke up for the first time. I realized that all the things I cared so much about no longer matter. Its terrifying! My perspective on life has changed completely! I feel like I am starting from scratch and everything I thought I knew about this life is wrong. I feel like this is not right. I don't know what I am supposed to do now? I am so confused. This without question has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I am so sad.....and, I know its not healthy but I must confess; that every night when I am laying in bed I clasp my hands together so tightly crying to myself praying and wishing that when I wake up tomorrow he will call me, or when I get to work the coffee he made me will be waiting on my desk, impatiently getting colder by every min I delay in arriving. I am tortured by everyday living with this lump in my throat...choking on my own air trying to keep it together. All I can do is pray........Its like its too hard for me to comprehend it all. I need him so badly in my life. Sometimes I daze off at work just thinking........thinking of him outside looking in.

Past Poisons

........so here it is......

My name Is Erin Gutierrez. I am un-aware what I intend on doing with this blog. I guess I will start off by telling a little bit about myself. I am 25 years old. I will be 26 at the end of this month. I have beeen married for two years to Leandro Gutierrez. I guess I am starting this blog to help me with the loss of my best friend Stephen Michael o'Neal. He was killed in a car crash on June 26th or when ever they confirmed it?!?! My heart is broken. I feel lost and confused. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am hoping documenting my feelings and life, even if no one reads this will help me find the answers as to what i am supposed to do now.