Kaden Broom

These are two videos I took when I was watching Kaden last night! We had so much fun! He is such an amazing kid!!!
Enjoy!

My Children....

You know....I often think of what my children will look like. I wonder what they will be? I have always dreamed my whole life of having children, I hope one day it will happen for me and Leandro. People say they think I will be a great mom....I hope so! I enjoy being around them so much, not just children but people!
Yesterday I baby sat Kaden, and it was incredible how great he is. He's so smart! I enjoyed myself so much! Joanie and Rocky paid me $40, by the end of the night I felt like I should have paid them! lol. We had so much fun. I miss him today! I have been thinking of him all morning! All the things he said....... I can't get him out of my head! He reminds me of Shelly when she was a little girl. He has her knees. I know that's weird to say, but it's true.
I never thought all those years ago at Leo's Roller Rink eating nachos with Shelly and Brett at one of those tables and those two flirting with each other.....that one day I would be playing with, and feeding, and bathing their child. It's so strange where life can sometimes take you!
I just hope one day...... I will have my own. It's really what I've always wanted ever since I can remember! I am still young I know, but I am getting older. I worry about that too.....if I will have one? With my problems and all....
Well, Katy is due to have Timothy on Nov. 17th, so if something happens....at least I will have him, and even though I won't be his mother....I will love him as if he was my own. My heart feels like its doing cart wheels waiting for him to arrive. I am so excited!

Sequence of Events.....

So, there has been a sequence of events that has led me all the way back to my first instinct. After Stephen passed, my first instinct was to go and talk to Brother Wess. I don't know why..... I was raised Catholic, and I am now Agnostic........so what business do I have with Brother Wess? Why would I immediately have this over-whelming desire to want to speak with him? I don't even know him! He probably doesn't even know who I am!
Well, maybe its coincidence........or maybe Stephen wants me to see him. I don't know but this is how it happened.

Leandro was supposed to get me a Iphone for my birthday on July 22nd but never did.......I really really wanted one, but never seemed to have the money. Then one night I had a great night with Leandro's grandmother in the kitchen drinking wine and cooking and the thought popped into my head to take her out to play BINGO because no one ever takes her anywhere. I took her to BINGO on a rainy night and won $250, which I never win anything. I was so excited, because I won just the amount of money needed for the new Iphone.

Then, I went to meet the director of the Hyatt and thought I would have to use my "winnings" to pay for Katy's shower, which I was prepared to do if necessary. The Director "Al" was extremely nice and said that I could just pay in full on the day of the event. He said this without me even asking. I couldn't believe it!!! I headed to Whole Foods and casually took my time shopping, then I went across the way to ATT. I have a friend that works there named Kenny, but I wasn't sure if he would be working or not. I was so excited about the new phone I didn't even care. I walked in and noticed he was there. That made me smile, but I felt some what embarrassed too because I know I looked so terrible. I have gained a good bit of weight since Stephen's passing and I don't even think I had on make-up. He was there, but with a customer. I caught him right as he was about to leave. He stayed to help me because that's the kind of guy he is. He was extremely nice and helpful, and even though I could tell he was in a tremendous hurry he stayed and didn't make me feel rushed. He leaned over and said in a whisper "How are you doing?" I don't know why but I almost broke down crying. I was in such an excited mood about my new phone and then all the sudden I was nearly in tears. I was so embarrassed!!!

Later, I wrote him a message on facebook telling him thank you for staying to help me. I almost missed him. He was just about to leave. Here is the messages we exchanged on facebook:

Erin Gutierrez September 21 at 10:43am
Kenny, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to help me with my new phone. I know I made you late for something, sorry about that. I was trying not to cry, you probably noticed I was having a rough time talking about everything. I am having a pretty difficult time..... I think I should probably seek professional help pretty soon. I hate to admit I need help, its just I never went through anything quite like this and I am not sure how to deal with it. I thought the funeral would give me some closure, but it just hasn't. Everyday day its there....haunting my thoughts.....Leandro seems to be doing OK....I wouldn't say good but he is OK. I don't know....I just wanted to say thank you for your help, and for your concern. It's nice that someone cares.Lots of Love, Erin =)

Kenny September 22 at 9:14am
You didn't make me late. I was glad to see you. You need to deal with all this soon. If you recognize you need help then you really do. You should consider, I think, going to talk to Pastor Wes. He was Stephen's pastor and mine and without his counsel jami and I wouldn't have made it. He doesn't charge he just cares. You can call the church and make an appointment. I can give you the number. There won't be any pressure to start going to church there or anything. Trust me here. Don't keep going through all this without getting help. It can effect every other part of your life.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 10:05am
My first instinct was to talk to him because I know how much respect Stephen had for him, but I was too scared to. I still am.....but I might go anyway. Thank you again!

Kenny September 22 at 10:47am
Call and talk to Melissa his wife. 664-4027. No reason to be scared. I'm serious. Do it. Now I'm pressuring you. Sorry
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 11:09am
LOL it's OK....what am I supposed to tell her?

Kenny September 22 at 11:59am
Just tell her you want to schedule an appointment. If she asks what for tell her counseling and tell her you were friends with Stephen.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 22 at 12:09pm
OK I think I will...thank you

Kenny September 22 at 8:29pm
Did you call?
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Erin Gutierrez September 23 at 7:43am
No yet...I am going to do it today!

So......there it is. The story of how I ended up back where I first started. I don't know if its coincidence or Stephen guiding me back to the pastor he loved and respected so very much. I know that Brother Wess was like a father to Stephen and that Brother Wess helped Stephen through many things. May this is what I am supposed to be doing...... I am going to give it a try. I will call today at lunch..Wish me luck!

Whats Happening to me?

So.....it's be good and bad for me lately. I have been putting forth a very strong effort to do more with my friends, and family. It does make me extremly happy to be with the ones I love. It's still rough though. Like this morning.......I was at work looking out the window thinking of my friend Steven Hull and his family and everything they must be going through right now with the passing of his father on Friday night. It kills me to think of his pain.....=(
And this weekend...... I was thinking how strange it is how this world is filled with so many wonderful and beautiful things........but also so many terrible and horrible things. I really think I am starting to lose my mind. I think about Stephen constantly. How much it hurts.....how much I miss him.....I just can't let go......I can't make myself realize that hes gone. I know he is gone.....dead....passed....I know......and I have to tell myself that CONSTANTLY, and its making me a little bit crazy. I really think I am losing it........I am pretty sure I need professional help. I don't know what I should do. I feel like I died with Stephen.
My life is falling completely apart.....I don't really care about anything anymore. I do whatever people tell me to, or what I think people want me to do. I do what I think they want and say what I think they want to hear. The truth is I just don't care anymore. I have no motivation to move on with my career.....to have kids.......to buy a house....to save money......I just don't care. I feel like I am jus waiting around to die. I hate my life, and who I have become.

A weekend with my grandparents..........

I spent this past weekend with my grandparent's Maw and Paw. We started off Friday night where my grandmother made us grill cheese sandwhiches (she makes the very best) LOL. Then we went to BINGO in Denham Springs. We had a good time.
Saturday morning we got up and drove to downtown Baton Rouge to visit the Farmer's Market. It was very nice! I have lots of great pictures from there! Then we walked across the street to the Old Catholic Church to take pictures (will post soon.) We then headed to the Casino for lunch and gambeling (they are true Catholics) LOL!!! After a very fun and tiring day we finally headed back to their house. I took some video on the way back and once we got there.
Enjoy! =)

Leandro's Beer

I was testing out the video feature on my new Iphone 3GS Woo Woo. This is Leandro getting excited about the new beer released by Sierra Neveda called Torpeedo LOL
Enjoy!

Going to bat for Stephen!

So, today is Krystal's Birthday! Every year I am reminding Stephen......(don't forget to call Krystal!) LOL I miss him so much! I have to say that today is really only the second day that I have felt like myself since his passing. I still think of him every single day! I hope I will do that forever. Sometimes when I think of him i get really sad and other times i start laughing and smiling.

Even though he is not physically here for me to tell him this......I just want to say I got his back! I will go to bat for him, and do what I need to do! I miss him so much!

One of the hardest things for me is finding new music. It was something that I seeked constantly. It was like a game between me, Leandro and Stephen. We would all search and search for great talent in music and get together and talk about it over wine and beer. I think this is something I miss the most. Every time I hear a new band or song that I love so much I instantly think of him and all of the sudden I feel extremely anxious because I can't call him up and tell him. I used to look forward to our little get together.

We used to talk about the sound track to our lives....... What music would be on our life soundtracks. I think we all agreed that the entire Abby Road album would be on there lol.

But me and Stephen.......we both said this song.....would be on ours:

It's Mornings Like These......

So......this morning I woke up early thinking I would get a head start on the week. I have to be at work for 7 AM so I was going to leave at about 6:10...thinking I would stop and get some breakfast at McDonald's. As I was getting my things and kissing Leandro goodbye he opened one eye and looked up at me and said "you look purdy today."

I thought this was sweet. He then said, "Why are you leaving so early?" I told him I was going to get myself some breakfast and he said "Want me to cook you some?" I was like "sure!" After he woke up and tried to get some of the sleep from his eyes he didn't look like he had enough "pep" in his step to make me breakfast in time. I said "that's OK baby I will just pick something up....." He gave me the puppy dog eyes and said, "but I'm hungwy too!" LOL

So, nevertheless, I was on my way with Leandro to Denham to get breakfast at McDonald's, then I drove him back to Buita's then I drove back to work to clock in at 4 mins till 7. Hey! at least I wasn't late! I didn't exactly get the extra early start that I wanted but overall it was very nice and sweet and enjoyed it.

Upon clocking in I get a mess. in my inbox telling me Q is down and I spill coffee down my shirt trying to fight off a knat circling my desk. I also remember that the girl who works in the New Orleans office is off today so I have all of her work as well. I take the employee handbook on my desk and use it to cover my coffee so that irritating knat won't take a dip in there. As I am on the phone talking to a disgruntled contractor my elbow hits the book and coffee pours everywhere on the floor. On a normal Tuesday it wouldn't be so bad because the cleaning crew would be here to help me clean it, but they called in sick this morning along with some others so I was on the phone and frantically trying to clean. LOL

What a mess......I wouldn't have it any other way......it's nice to be back! LOL

The Best of Friends!

I am writing this blog about my buddy Steven! I know he reads my blogs. I just wanted to say thank you for being the most wonderful friend to me! Sometimes I just don't know what I would do without you. You treat me and Leandro so well. You truly are my best friend! I hate being at work when your not here. It's like when your best friend didn't come to school because they were sick, it's like the whole day just sucks! LOL
I think our immaturity really gets us into trouble sometimes! LOL I have so much fun with you, and I am so thankful that I know you. I hope we can be the very best of friends for a very very very long time! Love you Steven!!!! Thank you for always being there for me no matter what craziness is going on in my life. You truly are the very definition of a loving caring friend....and for that I am so very thankful! Especially in this trying time in my life.... I can use all the Steven's I can get! Love ya much!!!! xoxoxo
-Erin

The Little Farm House

OK....so I have been having some pretty major problems lately. However, I have a plan and a goal for starters. Leandro and I have been killing ourselves looking for the right house. It has been super stressful, and now that he has started back at school its even harder. So, I have decided that it would be in our best interest if we "slow our roll." I think ultimately I was creating more stress by trying to hurry up and by a house before the $8000 rebate program expired that I forgot I still had so many things I need to work through before I take on too much at one time.
There is a house near my Mother's that will be for rent soon. It's a little farm house with a tree in the back and a little swing like the one pictured. Its super cute, nothing too fancy. It's two bedrooms and 1 and a half bath. The rent would be the same as our apt. at Little Lakes which is nice. Also, there would be no pet deposit and I can have my two cats Bachus and Juno! It looks like we will be moving in sometime in October.
I never once thought in a million years that I would live next to my mother, LOL. Growing up we didn't exactly have the best of relationships. But, this past year or so we have gotten a lot closer. My sister and I have too which is really important to me too! She will be living with my Mom, at least for a little while after the baby is born.
Leandro is gone a lot with work and school and this is a very trying time for me, since I am still trying to cope with the loss of Stephen and all. The loneliness that I experience is so heart breaking. I think it may help, to know that if I am feeling sad or lonely and Leandro is not there to comfort me, then I can walk over to my Mom's house and be with loved ones. My mother has been so very helpful and supportive in all my decisions lately and has loved and stood by me. I am so very thankful!!! Even some of the rather rash decisions I made she was behind me 100% percent and my sister too! I think being near the ones I love may help with my healing process.
We will be able to afford the rent in this little farm house pretty easily and so the financial burden will not be there either, and I think that may help with the stress for now. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a little more time if we feel like we need it.
Do I think we are ready to be home owner's? Yes! Do I think we can afford to be? Yes! Do I think now is the time? No!
It's OK......... I believe we will get much more in return. Leandro loves me and said that he will leave the decision up to me because he knows that I am going through a very difficult time right now.....emotionally. I know he is too, he just has a different way of expressing it, but I do appreciate his support in my decision. I think I need this. I think he needs this. Just to have time to be with one another......to take some of the pain away, and to be close to loved ones. I think I might like that....even if its only a short while. LOL
I am sure it will only be a matter of a week before on the surface I start to regret my decision, but secretly deep down I will know I made the right one. I can already picture myself on the swing outside talking on the phone.....of just gazing at the pond. It is so peaceful here, and still very close to work for the both of us, which is nice.
I am also looking forward to being close to my son to be nephew. He will be my first and Leandro's too. People say "Katy is going to want you to babysit all the time" LOL. Who cares, there is no way Leandro will allow all that, but if I want to see him.........I can take the short pretty hike......and there I am! =)