Life is so hard!

Well, I figured it was time for another post since it's been so long. Also, this blog is a great place to turn when I have no one else to talk to.

It is now 2010. People say the world will end in 2012. Who knows.....

Times are very hard right now. Leandro and I don't have much money, but neither does a lot of people. Last month I had to take groceries back to Walmart it was so bad. I cried all the way home. I am so depressed. I can't talk to Leandro about it because he gets upset and some what blames himself, and it just makes things worse.

For Christmas this year, he bought me a HP Pavilion Entertainment PC. I love it!!!! but I need to take it back. We can't really afford it, at least not now...maybe another time. I just got back from the grocery store and my total was $127!!!!! I cried all the way home....Leandro is going to be soo angry! I took lots off the list and it was still over $100...but we have no food :(

I try to be resourceful but sometimes there is no other alternative to spending some money. I hate this. I don't know what happened to us..... I don't understand why we are struggling so bad. At Little Lake everything was fine and then Stephen died and now everything is not fine!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! In theory everything should be OK, but it's not. Leandro is having to sit out next semester of school because we can't afford it. Last night his Mom asked when he started school again and he told her he was sitting out. She asked why? He said because he couldn't afford tuition. She asked him if she paid for it then would he go and he said he didn't think he would be able too because he needs to work because we need the money. That was all his idea.....and it's true. I hope she didn't think I asked him to do that. I would never ask him to do that!

I am so heart broken. I feel like such a piece of shit wife. I don't know why. I know I'm not, but I feel like a failure. I am working a second job to help but it's just not enough. I don't know what else I can do except maybe get another one on the nights I am not baby sitting.

Also, this is off subject but something that has been haunting my dreams. All I can think about now is having a baby. What is wrong with me? I know it's so selfish. How am I going to afford a baby when I can't even afford groceries? It's just ..........I am getting older and people keep asking....and......I just can't stop thinking.....how it must feel. I look at Katy holding Timothy and she looks at him a certain way and I always wonder what she is thinking about when she stares at him. I wonder is her heart just melts when she holds him. I know mine does and he's not even mine.