I like these videos. For whatever reason when I watch them I think of Stephen. I am missing him especially bad today. I still haven't had any type of counseling since his death. I need to do something. I don't know what "Stage of Grief" I am in. I feel as if I am on the merry-go-round of the "Stages of Grief" at a horrible carnival only to be found in the dead of night's ugly nightmares. I understand that Stephen is dead. Therefore, I don't believe I am in denial, but for whatever reason when I think about never being able to see him again................. my chest starts hurting.......
What it really boils down it is that ignorance is bliss. If I haven't said this a hundred times....... You see, if I believed in Heaven and Hell then it would be much easier for me to cope. If I only believed........ If I believed that Stephen is in Heaven and one day when I die we shall be reunited for eternity...... Sadly, that's not what I believe. I have this constant struggle in my mind. I can't believe that Stephen was for nothing.... I just won't believe that!
So I guess my battle with my own beliefs of spirituality and religion is the reason for my prolonged grief and anxiety. What I would give to to just wake up tomorrow thinking that Stephen died and went to a beautiful kingdom to be with the God he so lovingly worshipped and that one day we will be together having a blast forever.
The truth is that I am somewhere between not believing in Heaven and Hell and believing that Stephen is somewhere listening to me and protecting me...?!?!?!? So where does that leave me......Agnostic some would say lol. It's kinda funny when you think about it.
You see I don't really know what I am. I know I am a deist, but besides that this is all I know..............
I know that when I close my eyes I can see myself at age 8....I can remember the smell of my grandmothers skin....and her lotion. I remember Katy's tiny hands when she was 2,3 and 4. I remember the clothes my mother used to wear on Saturdays. She used to wear a yellow cotton shirt with white lace around the collar. I remember how soft it was to the touch an dhow when I hugged her she smelled like baby powder and coco butter lotion. I can see the many stages of my room, and I realize now, in a way it some what reflected my life at that point in time.
With all these wonderful memories I also remember the the most horrible things........................ I remember my sister crying and running after my Dad's B2200 all the way down the street the day he left my mother. I remember the morning I woke up to my mother's friends passed out on the floor in our living room and quietly stepping over them and beer cans to get out the front door to catch the bus. I remember my mother taking all of my graduation announcement cards off the kitchen table and throwing them all over my room and in my closet because she was drunk and mad...and wanted the table cleared off......... and most recently I am remembering the pain now of loosing my best friend.
I don't know much, but one thing I do know......and one thing I can believe in is that living now....here.... on earth is both Heaven and Hell, everyday. Every breath I take in is both beautiful and amazing, yet hurtful and ugly........ and that right there...... that's all I know
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