I am very sad today. I have these weak moments from time to time. I am struggling with infertility and PCOS. I am on a diet trying to loose weight and taking my medicine...... hoping and praying that one day.....just maybe...... I will have a little one of my own and complete my family!
It's just hard is all. You think .......I have plenty of time......we have loads of time......but then I think of Stephen. All the time he should have had left, but didn't........ and it makes me sad.
Tonight I babysit Kaden. When I am bathing him I can't help but think I am stealing memories from Shelly. If she only knew what she was missing....... I wonder if she knows. I love listening to him talk to me.....about school, or saying "do we have to cut my toe nails tonight?"
It's just not fair how it's so easy for some people.... to have a child. I think of all the people who have abortions and it hurts my heart to think of that. I don't understand for the life of me how anyone could ever do that, especially when there are people like me who want one so bad and can't have one.
I am doing what my doctor said. I am on a low carb diet. I am taking my Metformin twice a day. He said he wants Leandro to take a sperm count test, before giving me fertility treatments. Leandro seems to think I don't need fertility treatments. He thinks we can get pregnant with just the Metformin. He goes back and forth whether or not he wants to take that test. So, without his participation....... all I can do is stay on my diet, take my medicine and pray.
I don't know why he doesn't want to do it. He says it's uncomfortable.... perhaps he scared. I don't know. He doesn't like to talk about it when I bring it up. When I ask him why he has a million reasons it seems...."it's costly......we don't need that test......it's uncomfortable.....you don't need fertility drugs.....you need to loose more weight.....we need to save some more money...."
Every video I looked up on youtube starts the same. "Hi my name is _______ I am over weight and I have PCOS and my husband and I are trying to conceive a baby."
It makes me feel better that I am not the only one, but I must confess I do feel alone. All of these women I read about, and watched their vlogs on youtube......all the success stories say "LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR........DO WHAT THEY SAY." Also, they are all talking about Clomid and how it helped them get pregnant. I keep looking for the one who says "I just took Metformin" but I can't find any. All of them are on Metformin and Clomid........
I wish Leandro would do what Dr. Andreaus said, but I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I am so confused. The infertility bothers me so much and he looks so uncomfortable when I try and talk to him about it. It's like he feels like I am nagging him to some degree, or he just doesn't have any response at all. I need to talk to someone. Someone who can relate to me. Someone who will listen to me and my feelings and talk with me about it. I can't talk to my Dad about it because he just says "it will all work out." That doesn't exactly help me.
I would talk to my Mom but I don't want to bother her. She hasn't spoke to me since that night we talked and she made all those promises to be in my life. She wouldn't understand anyway. No one really understands. I feel so alone like there is no one I can go to. All of my friends either have kids or are pregnant. They don't really understand either. I feel like all I have is my fantasies and my dreams. I have dreams about having children.
One thing I am thankful for though is the time I get with Timothy and Kaden. I have a special bond with Kaden, and even though I will never be his mother..... I love him so very much, like my own and the same goes for Timothy.
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