Need to Vent......

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just got off the phone with my mother, and as usual I want to pull out all of my hair now. I just called her this morning and invited her over for a cup of coffee and to visit. It's as simple as a "yes I can" or a "no I can't." But no....... not with my mother.....things are never that simple. It's almost noon and she still can't give me a yes or no.

I don't even care anymore. That is why I never call and invite her over because we always spend hours on the phone all day and ultimately around 4:00 PM she calls back and starts apologizing saying she's not coming. Sometimes I don't even know why I try with her.

I know she loves me, but she doesn't care about anything if it doesn't involve her, Mr. Brian, Katy, Tim or Timothy. Every time I talk to her she wants to know when Leandro and I are going to have babies. She has no interest in our lives besides that.

I guess it just hurts my feelings. Last night we went over to my in laws house and visited with my mother-in-law for hours. I am so grateful for her. I didn't want to leave but we had to because Leandro had to be at work early this morning.

,I wish my mom and I could have a relationship like that. Every time I am around my mother she just talks about her and Mr. Brian, Katy, Tim and Timothy for hours. That's all she wants to talk about.

My surgery is December 7th and she "wrote it down" but I know she won't be there or even come to see me once I get home. Even though I am aware of this I still have a tiny inkling that tells me she will be there, but I try not to think about that because I know I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

I feel like an asshole. LOL I really do because part of me is like "Erin! you should be ashamed of thinking that way that is your MOTHER." the other part of me is like "Who gives a shit about her, she is a selfish bitch who was never a mother to you."

I am sooo confused. I try over and over again trying to be a good daughter and try and accept her for who sh is but it doesn't work. I find myself getting stressed out when I am around her. She doesn't call me very much and when she does she leaves messages on my voicemail that says shit like "I was wondering if you could come over and cook me some soup" or "I tried to call Katy but can you bring me some cigarettes I am out and don't feel like leaving the house" or "can you baby sit Timothy today, I didn't sleep last night." She leaves messages like this after not speaking to me for weeks or even months at a time. When I call her and if she even answers she immediately ask me
"can I call you back I am _________ <- insert random thing here."

Leandro tells me to just leave her alone and I do but then I feel guilty. I don't know...... I guess I just need to vent it out......